An open letter to my fellow commuters

The key players know who they are:

To those of you driving 2 mph under the speed limit in the left lane: You make me very angry. I know, it's just a Neon, and it couldn't do a lot of damage, but you're getting me to the point of wanting to see just how much it *can* do! Move over! There is room in the center lane. No need to keep me away from home any longer than necessary. I like my home. It's happy there.

To those of you who drive with 2 feet: Your brakes will suffer, and the flashing brake lights make the rest of us think something is going on up there. There is no need to keep jacking with us. We don't think it's cute.

To the guy in the blue Blazer: Wow. That was impressive. I still don't know how you stuffed that thing between the concrete median and the car, but you hit neither, and get the award for evasive driving. However, if you'd pulled your head out of that dark place, you wouldn't have needed to do so. Still, kudos on saving the paint.

To those of you with the turn signals on for miles: You turned it on. Remember? 4012 miles ago, you turned that blinker on to signal a lane change. If you turn it on, turn it back off, OK? If we think you're trying to merge, we'll make room for you. 2 minutes later, when we realize you're only a dork, we'll speed past you and give you "the look."

To the cell phone users: Get a hands-free headset, or hang up. Seriously. You weave, you slow down, you laugh and you talk. What you DON'T do is get on home. Just hang up and drive, loser.

To the folks picking their noses: We see you. You're surrounded by glass. We see you, and we know what you don't know. You need to buy some tissues for your car, OK? There, I said it. Someone had to.

To the smart ones: Thanks. I appreciate the fact that you choose the appropriate lane for your speed. I like that you let me in when I came down the ramp. I like that you signal appropriately and slow down when you see brake lights, without slamming on your own brakes, unnecessarily. You are my friend.

Yes, you all know who you are.

Thank you, and happy commuting!