I'm Still Alive

I had trouble going to sleep, which I was warned about, and three 3 hours later I was awakened by 65 lbs of dog, wanting out because the neighborhood dogs were going nuts.  I did not kill him, but it was tempting.  It took forever to get back to sleep, so I think I got five hours of so, total.  The last of that time was AFTER Kevin woke me up and told me it was time to get up.

Yup, I was late.  Only ten minutes, so it wasn't too bad.  I walked around with a foggy, half-tired feeling, but wasn't sick.  I also wasn't the least bit hungry.  I ate a few crackers to take my medication with, and had a handful of animal crackers around noon.  I still wasn't sick, but I was NOT hungry.  This caused some concern from coworkers, but I won't blow away in the wind anytime soon.  LOL

I left earlier than intended, because I simply ran out of steam.  I had to stop by the hospital for my Neulasta shot.  I'll always get one on the day after chemo.  It helps boost my white blood cell count back up.  It can also cause bone pain, but I'm taking Claritin, which some people say helps, and I can always take Tylenol or Advil.  We'll see if anything is needed.

Tonight, I figured I should really make myself eat something of more substance.   I still wasn't hungry, but I made a can of chicken noodle soup and it tasted good.  Nothing strong sounds good.  This is so not-me.  I even smelled the fried stuff at the deli at WalMart and it didn't smell good.  I can ALWAYS go for some potato wedges.  :)

Anyway, my butt refuses to leave this chair, but I am not feeling sick at all.  I got some mild heartburn a couple of times earlier in the day, but a couple of Tums fixed me right up.  I hope to get up on time tomorrow, and work a decent amount.  Here's hoping!

The Story of Jaxson's Departure

I'm really still too tired to do this entry, but I did some work from home tonight and am just now winding down. (Before you think my employer is an ass, please know that I'm doing it by choice to help make up time I miss for appointments, so it's a favor and it did NOT have to be done tonight...I just decided to get step one done.)  Phew.  What a disclaimer!   I got up at 4:30 this morning and made it to work by 6:30 since they've loosened up my schedule, but I will NOT be doing that tomorrow.  Not seeing what the clock is telling me now!  :)

Nurse Terri gave me the new wrap with tighter compression on Friday, and told me that as soon as I had two days under 30cc, they'd pull the drain.  I let her know on Tuesday that it was 25, and she said, "Call and come in tomorrow if it's still under 30 and we'll pull it."  It was 28.  Rock on.

I called as soon as the office opened on Wednesday, and the lady said, "We can get you in on Friday afternoon."  I nearly cried.  I gathered my composure and said, "But Terri said to come in this afternoon."  She asked if I was seeing only Terri, or also the Dr.  When I told her it was just me and Terri, she said, "Oh!  OK, how about 1:30 today?"  PHEW!

It was pretty quick.  She cut the stitch, told me to take a deep breath, and then said, "That's it!"  He was out.  She held a bit of gauze over the opening like they do after removing a needle after a blood draw.  After a few seconds, she pulled it off to look and said, "Oh boy!  Oops!"  and put the gauze back, asking me to hold it there while she got more.

She got more, I let go, and she said, "Woah!" as she put more on.  I would have worried, but she is amazing and kept telling me that it is nothing to worry about, it's normal after a drain is in that long, and it's better to leak out than to be retained inside.  OK.  She asked me to hold the gauze once again and got a thicker, plastic-backed bandage.  It was taped to me and we crossed fingers that it wouldn't leak, since I was going back to work.

It didn't.  I hit "the wall" around 4 and headed home.  I wasn't even 5 miles from work when it leaked a bit.  Talk about timing!  At least I was gone!  By bedtime last night, it was nothing but a tiny dot on the bandage. Kind of like what you have on the cotton ball they put on you after drawing blood.  After all day today, there wasn't even a dot.  I guess it's done.  Except...

I'm getting a seroma that will likely require a trip to the cutter general surgeon's office tomorrow.  I'm supposed to go to the plastic surgeon for the first fill of my tissue expander, and Terri and I have already discussed the fact that I'll likely be sent there for needle aspiration.  Cutter's office has an ultra sound, so they can do it while making sure they miss the tissue expander.

*sigh*  That means leaving work shortly after noon, going to Leawoodfreaking, KS, and then being sent to St. Luke's on the Plaza.  (That won't mean anything to anyone not from this area, but it's an inconvenient trip, OK?)  After all of that, I have to call the oncologist.  Yup.  Time to get chemo back on the calendar, now that Jaxson is gone.  I avoided that for today, just to have control over one more day.

Childish?  Yes.  Too bad!  Tomorrow, I'll act like an adult again.

Jaxson Update and a Long Weekend

I have to report to the nurse (Terri...we love her) every week or so with the amounts that Jaxson is producing.  If there was some big change, I would have reported in more frequently, but we hovered around 50cc for three weeks.  Seriously, it became so predictable and SO depressing.  I usually sent this info via email.  

I had to call her to get a refill on my antibiotics last Wednesday, so she said, "I know you emailed, but give me your numbers again."  I reported the 50cc per day that it ALWAYS is.  I also mentioned that it had been five weeks, and they said the record for that office was seven weeks.  She said, "Yeah, it's been long enough I'd like for you to come in.  At lease let us check for infection, etc.  How about Friday?"

I went in Friday and the Doctor came in and checked me over and expressed that he wasn't happy with the fact that the drain had been in so long (infection can set in, or the drain itself can cause drainage to continue,) but taking it out too soon can cause the fluid to pool under the skin and require aspiration with a needle every day or two, which, obviously, would be a hassle, so it's a balancing act.  They have determined that the magic number is 30cc.  At 30cc, it is believed that your body can reabsorb the lymphatic fluid, which is why they try SO hard to get it down to 30cc or less, two days in a row.

Back to the doctor's visit:  He talked it out with Terri, checking me over while I was in various positions to see if there was fluid buildup under the skin, even with the drain.  He determined there was not.  He stripped the tube, and it immediately filled again.  I knew it would, because it does every time I strip it, but he looked at Terri and asked, "Did you see that?"  Then he told me that if the drainage was slowing down, it should stay empty for a while after being stripped.

The decision was made to try a different and tighter compression.  They think that will make me heal more quickly (by holding the parts together that need to heal together,) and therefore not produce so much more fluid than my body can handle.  The way they are having me do this is to roll up some Kerlix (very soft gauze) into a roll about 2" or so in diameter and put it in my arm pit on the surgical side.  Then, a 6" ACE bandage is wrapped around me tightly, and as high as it can be and still be under my arms.  It is tighter than the previous wrap, too.  

The next morning showed a 24 output of 80cc.  WHAT???  That's MORE!  I calmed down when I realized that the Dr. had messed with me a LOT, the drain had been stripped more than usual, etc.  Breathe in, breathe out, calm down.  I only empty once per day now, first thing in the morning, so I can officially report that Saturday and Sunday's output (based on Sunday and Monday morning's measurements) have been 40cc.  

I haven't reached the magic number 30 yet, but there is a decrease for the first time in three and a half weeks.  That is encouraging.  I am to call Terri tomorrow and report these amounts.  She'll talk to the doc and they'll decide what to do.  I need to have 30cc or less, two days in a row.  

I'm just hoping and praying that tomorrow morning's number is 30.  If so, then maybe they'll help me start my divorce proceedings from Jaxson.  I'm all done with having him in my life.  LOL  Especially since I'm returning to work tomorrow.  What a hassle it's going to be to have him with me.  I wonder if I should dress him in a little outfit?  Thanks for that suggestion, Shannon.  Now I can't picture him any other way.  Sheesh.  

NO, coworkers.  He will NOT be dressed.  In fact, he hides under MY clothing, so you will not even get to meet him.  It's for the best.  He'll hopefully be out of my life soon, and it's best if you don't get attached.  LOL  Get it?  Attached?  Never mind.  I'm just ready for him to be UN attached from me.

Now that this post has become WAY too long, I shall not rehash my Memorial Day weekend in detail.  Here are the Cliffs Notes:  Kevin's BFF Brian and his son Ty came up, I met a cool new family, we grilled, we ate, we saw my parents and my cousin, and, ummm, oh yeah, cut all my hair off.  If you aren't on Facebook, I'll post about that in my next post.  Both people who started reading this post are now sleeping.  Shh.  Don't WAKE them!

The Satan Drain

I had a rough day.  I was very tired (probably did too much yesterday) although I slept fine last night.  I felt weepy and was  just generally a bit "off."  I also realized I hadn't used my ice pack in 48 hours or so, so I filled it up, put my phone on silent, and went to lie down for "just a bit."

I woke up 3 hours later.  I felt a little bit better, and could tell the swelling was down, but the mood was kinda crappy.  After all, while drain one could be removed any time, drain two hates my guts and has been putting out over 80cc per day.  It has to be under 30 to be removed, and I have an appointment to evaluate this on Friday.  That will put a person in a crappy mood.

As I sat here in full-on whine mode, the UPS guy came by.  Cookies by Design?  Yes please!  It was a very sweet gesture by my employers.  That cheered me up a bit, and then mom and dad brought over the most amazing dinner ever.  There was meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, crock pot macaroni and cheese, and bread pudding.  Yowza.  There is even enough for leftovers tomorrow.  I was able to quit being teary-eyed for a bit.  (food always does that to me.  LOL)

And then, it was time to drain.  I was nearly in tears on the way in.  It's nothing for drain 2 to be 20, 30, 40 or even 50cc.  What was it this time?  2.  TWO!!!  I haven't even seen a 10 from that evil drain yet, and it's a TWO?

Dear Lord, don't let this be a fluke.  I checked, and there were no kinks or twists or problems with the drain tubes.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but if this trend continues, I could get rid of BOTH drains on Friday afternoon.  I'm REALLY  trying not to get my hopes up.  With good reason.  Does THIS make sense to you:

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, and I'll just roll with whatever it is.  It sure would be nice to get rid of these dang things, so I could go out into public without feeling gross.  Driving would be cool, too.

Baby steps.

And the Hits Just Keep on Coming

The ride home yesterday was a bitch.  There is no other way to say it.  Every little bump was a new lesson in pain.  Finally at home, I got comfy in my own bed, got drugged up, and settled in as much as possible.  Although I was never completely comfortable (and didn't expect to be,) I got 8 hours of sleep with only one wake-up for a bathroom break and medication.  That is tons better than I slept at the hospital.

Today, Kevin's mom came up and walked in the door with my favorite Sonic drink.  Win!  After that came a much needed shower.  I love my husband but consider myself very independent, so this was a humiliating and painful experience.  When it was over, though, I felt so much better.

As I started to drift off in the recliner, my phone rang and Kevin answered since I wasn't coherent.  It was the surgeon.  And it was what I was afraid of.

Of the 10 nodes that they removed, 3 contained cancer cells.  Chemo will be coming.  On May third, when I follow up with my oncologist, we'll talk about radiation.  DAMN, DAMN, DAMN.  This is not what I had in mind.  Just in case you wondered.  Not what I had in mind at all.  I think I'll go pout, now.

Another Day, Another Test

Today is the day that I go in for my echo cardiogram.  It won't take nearly as long as the PET scan, I think.  They're also supposed to draw some pre-op blood while I'm there, so I don't have to drive to the other hospital.  I just don't fully understand where they are going to do that, so I'll be asking questions a lot.  Nothing new there.

Mom is going with me today.  That is going to help a lot.  I think yesterday would have been easier with the distraction of someone to talk to.  It's also happy hour at Sonic ALL DAY!  I see a lot of diet cherry Coke in my future.

Tomorrow is the big day.  I wonder if I could get the anesthesia people to just go ahead and knock me out tonight?  It would save the trouble of me wringing my hands in the morning.

Quit With the Puppy Eyes, OK?

I understand that I have cancer, and that most people don't know what to say or do.  I didn't want to post this article, because it might make it sound like I want you to come clean my house.  I do NOT (yet) want you to come clean my house.  I do, however, appreciate many of the thoughts expressed.

I know that some people freak out and cry forever about a cancer diagnosis.  I know that everyone reacts differently and none of those reactions are wrong.  Let me clear the air.  I am dealing with this one day at a time, and laughing all the way.  You need me to help with that big order?  Sorry.  I can't.  I have cancer.  (insert big laugh here.)

I've been patient, and will continue to be so.  However, if you read this, that means you give a shit about me, so here goes:

Please, under NO circumstances, should you look at me, cock your head to the side like a sad puppy, and ask, "How ya doin', Rachel?"  How am I doing?  I have cancer.  I'm  not undergoing treatment right now, so I feel the same as I did 6 months ago.  Physically, I'm fine.  Emotionally?  I have very close friends and family to keep it pulled together.

I had a friend/coworker suggest that I develop tourettes when someone does this.  "SHIT DAMN ELBOW BUTT CANCER REFRIGERATOR ASS NO!"  I'm not sure that's the right reaction, but it made me laugh.

If you see me crying, an offer of comfort will be welcomed.  If I'm working along at my desk, let's just carry on, OK?  You won't see me crying at my desk, however, unless someone does the puppy  head-cock at me. THAT makes me cry.  The cancer doesn't.  Not yet, anyway.  I don't want it to win.  Right now, I'm making inappropriate jokes and waiting for the next Dr's appointment.

Can we move on?  I'll let you know when I need something.  I promise.

More of the Cancer Chronicles

I got a couple of calls today.  The first was from the genetic testing.  I was negative for the changed chromosome that is a precursor for cancer.  What does this mean?  It means that I got this "just because."  I don't have to have my kids tested, their kids tested, my brother and his kids tested, etc.  I hadn't told my family yet (other than the girls,) but if it had been positive, I'd have had to call family and beg them to get tested.  Thank God I didn't have to make those calls.  It also means that I'm not at any more risk to get cancer again than you are.  It's nothin' but a thing.

The second call was the surgeons office, telling me that they'd set up an appointment with the plastic surgeon.  That will be on April 4.  This means that I will NOT be having surgery within the next 2 weeks.  After this appointment, they'll tell me when the surgery will happen.  In the mean time, I have to get the EKG and PET scan.  That gives me at least 2 weeks to keep things going at work.

PHEW!  That's enough for tonight.  Both girls went to spend the night with friends tonight, so I'll likely forget the dishes and just crash early.  Tomorrow?  Kevin and I are having a date day.  Not a date night.  An entire date day.  No telling what we'll do, but we're doin' it.  Sweet!

Please Excuse Me. I have PDAS.

I know about PMS.  This feels a lot like that, but it's not the right time.  Sorry, guys.  I should have warned you about THAT, but I didn't.  Too late.

I had a freak-out sort of day.  Last night and today have been tough, and now that I'm seeing a pattern, tomorrow will be rough, too.  My Modus Operandi is to freak the HELL out before an appointment, and then be fine as soon as it's over.  Whether the news is good or bad, it's news.  I need information.  Waiting sucks.  It is Pre Doctor Appointment Syndrome.  I suffer it greatly.

Tomorrow is my oncologist appointment.  I will find out what medication will be involved to help me kick this thing's ass.  I find out if I'll lose my hair.  I find out if I'll be too exhausted to work at the level that I want to during this thing.  It doesn't matter.  Tell me I'll kick it's butt, and I'll do what you say.  It's just the unknown that is killing me.  It did last week, too.

So, I suffer from PDAS.  I'll be about to pass out on the way into the Dr's office, and fine when I walk out.  Just like last week.  Now that I can name it and recognize it, I plan to laugh at the tears.  Laugh at the shaking hands.  Laugh at the stupid reactions I seem to have to certain things.  We're out of rice?  WAHHHH!  LOL

Sorry.  You can't judge me right now.  I have PDAS.

Lymph Nodes 2, cancer 0

The ultra sound I had after the mammogram and during the biopsy indicated no cancer in the lymph nodes, but MIRs show more details.  I had the MRI on Friday, and thought it'd be Tuesday or Wednesday before I heard about results.

I have a smart phone that I love most things about, but the vibrate feature is VERY weak.  I took it out at 4 this afternoon, and saw that I had a voicemail.  It was from the surgeon at 3:45, saying he'd try again after his 4:00 meeting.  Crap.  I immediately took it off vibrate, and turned the volume to "high."

While I was on the way home, he DID call back.  He had the results of the MRI.  It agrees with the ultrasound that the cancer is NOT in my lymph nodes.  I have some BADASS lymph nodes, ok?  There is no way to know, with 100% accuracy, that they are clear, until after surgery when they remove at least one.  I'm still taking this as WONDERFUL news.  NOTHING has suggested that it's there, and TWO things have suggested that it's not.

The other thing is that the right breast is fine.  Nothing at all and no need for concern.  After several comments that "insurance has to cover reconstruction," I started doing online research.  It's TRUE!  There was a law passed about it.  SWEET.  That made my decision to do the mastectomy instead of begging the surgeon to try to save it.  Oh  yeah.  There's another reason for THAT, too.

Instead of two tumors, like they thought, the MRI indicates that it's likely one tumor, shaped like a dumbell.  (shut it!)  If that's true, it's a bit over 6 cm.  Wow.  The surgeon said that may rule out lumpectomy, but we've pretty much ruled that out for ourselves.

His nurses will schedule an appointment with an oncologist this week, and I'll likely be in surgery within 2-3 weeks.  Oh.  Another thing, for anyone who hasn't been close to this sort of thing:  I need a surgeon and and an oncologist.  That is a cutter, and a medicine guy.  I've seen the cutter, and will see the medicine guy this week.  Medicine guy decides if I'm a candidate for chemo or whatever else, and surgery will likely be within 2-3 weeks.

OK.  That's it.  I'm doing better after each appointment or conversation with those who know what they're doing.  I'm crying when I have time to do so, but it's not all sadness.  It's just overwhelmed.  I'm overwhelmed with information, overwhelmed with love and caring from friends and family, overwhelmed with the parts of life that must go on, and overwhelmed with worry.  Still, I'm feeling better.

Sorry this turned into a cancer blog.  LOL  Not as sorry as I am that I got cancer, though.  :)

Information Overload

Information I've got.  In spades.  Although we still don't know a plan of treatment, the surgeon gave us a TON of information.  It doesn't appear to be in the lymph nodes, but the MRI tomorrow will help prove that (I think.)  Until the results of one test from the biopsy (due next Monday or Tuesday) and the results of tomorrow's MRI (due next week) and the results of the genetic test (maybe up to 10 days,) we won't know the plan of action.  Surgery WILL happen, but we don't know if it's a lumpectomy or a mastectomy.

Because there are two tumors, several cm apart, a lumpectomy would be difficult, so the surgeon seemed to be leaning toward mastectomy.  I guess that would solve the gravity-with-age issue, huh?  If radiation is involved, it would be EVERY week day for SIX weeks, on the plaza (which is about 50 miles from home, as opposed to the 40 I drive for work.)  If there is chemo, the hair will go.

There are some ego-type thoughts going on here.  I know it's temporary, but it's concerning, nonetheless.  Don't judge me.  I have cancer!  LOL  Radiation involves a ton of long trips to KC that will likely make me feel like crap.  If I lose one or both breasts, will insurance help with reconstruction?  I doubt it, but I'll check.  If I lose my hair, do I go with bandannas, hats, or scarves?  None of those match my T-shirt and jeans style.  OK, enough about those fears.  Whatever it takes to make me  stay alive will be what I do, and I leave that to the skilled professionals dealing with this mess.

They sent me home with a ton of information to read.  It's not the lame type brochure you see in Dr's offices, either.  It's real, good, well-done stuff.  As I went through it tonight (skimming) I was quite impressed.  My boss is being super great about what needs done.  I'll inform my customers (who don't already know....Michelle Brown stalks me on FB, LOL) soon, so they'll know that there are times I'm gone.

To end on a light note, I'll give you some wonderful quotes from the day, uttered by my husband Kevin:

"Wow.  Cancer ain't for pussies or po' folks, huh?"
"I got cancer, and all I got was this lousy handbag."
"I want you to know, I have not bought ONE gun that has cost as much as this cancer has cost us already."
When the Dr. said, "I've done all the talking, I want to hear you say something."  Kevin said, "Shit!?"

Happy Birthday to Me!

I had a great/terrible day.  My friends made it awesome, but work was really hard.  I can handle hard work, but today was different.  Maybe because I'm 36 hours from knowing all the details of the cancer?  I was just a bit teary all day.

I didn't break down, and I didn't cry.  I'm still OK.  I just keep building my list of questions for the surgeon, and keep on keepin' on.  I know life goes on, and I'm thankful that life goes on.  I'm thankful that I'm still super-busy at work.  However, there are short moments during the day that I wish I could shut down for 3 minutes, cry, and then move on.

I won't, and I'm fine.  I just had a day.  I think the biggest problem was, "Happy Birthday!  You have Cancer!"  That's probably it.  I don't know, but I'm guessing.

I need to get Thursday's appointment over with, so I know what we're up against.  After Thursday morning, I'll be fine.  That's the plan.  Fine.