I don't want to sound ungrateful, hateful, or snippy for even a minute of this post, so if it comes across that way, I apologize in advance. Several people a day ask me how I'm feeling. The answer is always, "Tired." The bone pain is gone and I haven't taken a pain pill since Monday. I just can't bounce back from the fatigue this time.
I'm considering lying. I could plaster on a fake smile and say, "I'm great!" Nobody is making me feel like I need to do this, but I'm sick to death of hearing myself say I'm tired. Almost as sick of saying I'm tired as I am of BEING tired. Almost.
I am asleep, or at least horizontal, most every moment that I'm not at work. That's why I'm not on Facebook much. That's why I'm not blogging much. I don't hurt right now and I'm not having any major issues. I'm just tired, and I'm tired of being tired, and I'm tired of bitching about being tired of being tired.
How are you?
Showing posts with label whine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label whine. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
The Easiest Cycle Yet
I made the mistake of taking my last steroid too late, which pushed my crash to a work day which overlapped with my bone pain day. I even whined about it here. However, this third cycle has been the easiest one yet.
I have had a headache only two out of the 11 days that have passed on cycle three. This is on the heels of 4 weeks of daily headaches, so it's a BIG deal. I have been getting eight hours of sleep without the aid of medication. I was able to work nine hours, two days straight, to make up for the crash day shortage.
Yup. I may have complained about Monday, but I'm very pleased with chemo cycle three. I have one more dose of A/C, which happens on Wednesday. I hope to sail through it as easily as this one. After that, I start another chemo drug. I've heard that Taxol is easier than the A/C combo for most people. Isn't THAT good news???
I have had a headache only two out of the 11 days that have passed on cycle three. This is on the heels of 4 weeks of daily headaches, so it's a BIG deal. I have been getting eight hours of sleep without the aid of medication. I was able to work nine hours, two days straight, to make up for the crash day shortage.
Yup. I may have complained about Monday, but I'm very pleased with chemo cycle three. I have one more dose of A/C, which happens on Wednesday. I hope to sail through it as easily as this one. After that, I start another chemo drug. I've heard that Taxol is easier than the A/C combo for most people. Isn't THAT good news???
Monday, July 16, 2012
Grumble Grumble Whine
I was happy to have most of yesterday crash-free. It was Brooke's last day here, and we enjoyed it, even if we did relax most of the day. By 7:30 or so, though, I felt it coming. By 8, I was nodding off in the chair and Kevin nudged me to go to bed. The crash should have hit late Sunday morning, but I think my Saturday nap pushed my last steroid dose late enough to delay it.
I would have thought that a good thing, since it allowed me most of Sunday to enjoy my company. The bad part was that it caused the crash to continue into a work day, as well as to allow it to overlap my severe bone pain day. Yup. Today sucked.
I made it six hours before heading home. I had a pain pill and a nap for lunch, and haven't done much since. I am thankful that the bone pain is typically limited to 24-36 hours, so before tomorrow is over, I should be feeling better. I also believe that the crash symptoms should be mostly gone by morning. If the steroid-induced emotional crap goes away with it, it will be a good Tuesday indeed.
I would have thought that a good thing, since it allowed me most of Sunday to enjoy my company. The bad part was that it caused the crash to continue into a work day, as well as to allow it to overlap my severe bone pain day. Yup. Today sucked.
I made it six hours before heading home. I had a pain pill and a nap for lunch, and haven't done much since. I am thankful that the bone pain is typically limited to 24-36 hours, so before tomorrow is over, I should be feeling better. I also believe that the crash symptoms should be mostly gone by morning. If the steroid-induced emotional crap goes away with it, it will be a good Tuesday indeed.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Goodbye Again, Appetite
Right on schedule, I want nothing to do with food. *sigh* I bugged out of work at 11:30 this morning, two hours earlier than I had planned, but I was feeling crappy. I knew it was too early for my Neulasta shot, since it has to be 24 hours after chemo, so I stopped at Target. I was about halfway through and got REALLY light headed. That's when it hit me that I had ingested nothing other than Gatorade and water all day, and it was noon.
I went to the snack bar to see if there was anything there that I could force down, and they had a yogurt parfait. I paid $2 for $.50 worth of yogurt, so I forced it down, and then regretted it. It took care of the shaky feeling, but it sat on my stomach like a rock.
They got me in early for my shot (my initial appointment was for 4:00, but they took me at 1:15,) and I came home. I haven't much left my bed since. I did eat a few saltines to take my medicine, and at 6:30 I forced down some soup.
This is my bi-weekly whiny post, I suppose. I've burned it up awfully early. Didn't make it past day 2. LOL
I went to the snack bar to see if there was anything there that I could force down, and they had a yogurt parfait. I paid $2 for $.50 worth of yogurt, so I forced it down, and then regretted it. It took care of the shaky feeling, but it sat on my stomach like a rock.
They got me in early for my shot (my initial appointment was for 4:00, but they took me at 1:15,) and I came home. I haven't much left my bed since. I did eat a few saltines to take my medicine, and at 6:30 I forced down some soup.
This is my bi-weekly whiny post, I suppose. I've burned it up awfully early. Didn't make it past day 2. LOL
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Puttin' on My Big Girl Panties
I was going to post last night. The appointment was fine. No bad news anywhere. However, I was the weepiest cry-baby I've been since this whole journey started. I cried about everything. I sent a message to Mom so she wouldn't wonder/worry and told her I'd post today. I don't like to post when I'm in a foul mood, unless I feel like conveying a foul mood in the post (which I sometimes do!)
Anyway, I worked for half a day (if I haven't mentioned it lately, I work with some cool people) and headed to the plastic surgeon's office. The plan was to get my first fill in the tissue expander. Because of how tight things were feeling, I was sure I'd have to go from there to get fluid removed because of the buildup. He checked me out and said it wasn't enough to concern ourselves with. YeeHaw!
That fact made me happier than I thought it would, because of a detail his nurse filled me in on. If I had needed that done, they wouldn't have been able to do the fill. So that all made me VERY grateful. They did the fill and sent me on my way. (By the way, the fill is a GIANT syringe full of saline and the whole process took less than 2 minutes. Easy peasy.)
If you remember, chemo had been scheduled, but they had to cancel when they found out I still had that pesky drain. Now that it's gone, I had to reschedule, which means a visit with the oncologist's office. That was a confusing mess that took over an hour, but it finally got scheduled. From that point on, I became a girl.
I HATE when I am girly and whiny, and I had a FULL evening of it. Everything that was said or done set me off. Poor Kevin. I think the problem is that, until this point, all appointments for procedures have been made, and then I'm informed about them. "Go to this hospital on this date and we're going to do a mastectomy." Oh. OK. "Go to this office and get your tissue expander fill on this date." Oh, OK.
Yesterday, I had to play phone tag and wrestle for a date to see the oncologist, and if she pronounces that all is healed well, I go immediately downstairs for my first chemo treatment. This will be June 12, for those keeping score. I was told to plan on it taking most of the day due to the doctor's appointment first, and the fact that they do your first infusion slowly to watch for any problems.
So, I had make the appointment, chemo is back on the calendar again, and this all made things more real again for some reason. I think getting back to work made me start to feel a little bit more normal. Once the drain was gone, I could get really busy on a project and my brain wasn't constantly thinking CANCER in every train of thought. In fact, I felt the best, physically, yesterday that I've felt since surgery! I was cutting up with friends and having a GREAT morning. Suddenly, last night, the big "C" was back.
So I bawled a lot. Made my husband miserable, too (because he can't fix it.) I woke up this morning to a beautiful day, made some coffee, and read something online that made me tear up. At this point I'd had it with me. Kevin is on the way to Carthage to pick Monica up and Natalie is still in bed, so I'm upstairs alone. This afforded me the opportunity to talk to myself out loud and not be sent to the loony bin.
I lectured myself for a good 5 minutes. "Listen, you big baby! Everyone deserves to go on a pity party sometimes, and everyone deserves to cry. You had that chance. You cried all evening yesterday. You cried about big stuff like cancer and you cried about little stuff like a favorite show being a rerun. You cried and cried and today, you're DONE. Put on your big girl panties, go enjoy this perfect weather, and quit your sniveling.
Call Tammy and take her out to lunch. Take Natalie shopping for a new swimsuit like you promised a week ago. Quit playing victim. Quit acting like cancer has you down, when right this moment, you aren't even undergoing TREATMENT! If you LET yourself, you can feel AWESOME today. Now have some coffee, get dressed, get out of the house and quit feeling sorry for yourself, you big baby."
I suggest that, if you ever act like I was acting, you don't do so around me. I can give some harsh lectures. Right this moment, I'm going to go get dressed and follow my advice. I'm afraid that, if I don't listen to me, I might get mad at me and do something more drastic. :)
Here's to a happy day!
Anyway, I worked for half a day (if I haven't mentioned it lately, I work with some cool people) and headed to the plastic surgeon's office. The plan was to get my first fill in the tissue expander. Because of how tight things were feeling, I was sure I'd have to go from there to get fluid removed because of the buildup. He checked me out and said it wasn't enough to concern ourselves with. YeeHaw!
That fact made me happier than I thought it would, because of a detail his nurse filled me in on. If I had needed that done, they wouldn't have been able to do the fill. So that all made me VERY grateful. They did the fill and sent me on my way. (By the way, the fill is a GIANT syringe full of saline and the whole process took less than 2 minutes. Easy peasy.)
If you remember, chemo had been scheduled, but they had to cancel when they found out I still had that pesky drain. Now that it's gone, I had to reschedule, which means a visit with the oncologist's office. That was a confusing mess that took over an hour, but it finally got scheduled. From that point on, I became a girl.
I HATE when I am girly and whiny, and I had a FULL evening of it. Everything that was said or done set me off. Poor Kevin. I think the problem is that, until this point, all appointments for procedures have been made, and then I'm informed about them. "Go to this hospital on this date and we're going to do a mastectomy." Oh. OK. "Go to this office and get your tissue expander fill on this date." Oh, OK.
Yesterday, I had to play phone tag and wrestle for a date to see the oncologist, and if she pronounces that all is healed well, I go immediately downstairs for my first chemo treatment. This will be June 12, for those keeping score. I was told to plan on it taking most of the day due to the doctor's appointment first, and the fact that they do your first infusion slowly to watch for any problems.
So, I had make the appointment, chemo is back on the calendar again, and this all made things more real again for some reason. I think getting back to work made me start to feel a little bit more normal. Once the drain was gone, I could get really busy on a project and my brain wasn't constantly thinking CANCER in every train of thought. In fact, I felt the best, physically, yesterday that I've felt since surgery! I was cutting up with friends and having a GREAT morning. Suddenly, last night, the big "C" was back.
So I bawled a lot. Made my husband miserable, too (because he can't fix it.) I woke up this morning to a beautiful day, made some coffee, and read something online that made me tear up. At this point I'd had it with me. Kevin is on the way to Carthage to pick Monica up and Natalie is still in bed, so I'm upstairs alone. This afforded me the opportunity to talk to myself out loud and not be sent to the loony bin.
I lectured myself for a good 5 minutes. "Listen, you big baby! Everyone deserves to go on a pity party sometimes, and everyone deserves to cry. You had that chance. You cried all evening yesterday. You cried about big stuff like cancer and you cried about little stuff like a favorite show being a rerun. You cried and cried and today, you're DONE. Put on your big girl panties, go enjoy this perfect weather, and quit your sniveling.
Call Tammy and take her out to lunch. Take Natalie shopping for a new swimsuit like you promised a week ago. Quit playing victim. Quit acting like cancer has you down, when right this moment, you aren't even undergoing TREATMENT! If you LET yourself, you can feel AWESOME today. Now have some coffee, get dressed, get out of the house and quit feeling sorry for yourself, you big baby."
I suggest that, if you ever act like I was acting, you don't do so around me. I can give some harsh lectures. Right this moment, I'm going to go get dressed and follow my advice. I'm afraid that, if I don't listen to me, I might get mad at me and do something more drastic. :)
Here's to a happy day!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
The Satan Drain
I had a rough day. I was very tired (probably did too much yesterday) although I slept fine last night. I felt weepy and was just generally a bit "off." I also realized I hadn't used my ice pack in 48 hours or so, so I filled it up, put my phone on silent, and went to lie down for "just a bit."
I woke up 3 hours later. I felt a little bit better, and could tell the swelling was down, but the mood was kinda crappy. After all, while drain one could be removed any time, drain two hates my guts and has been putting out over 80cc per day. It has to be under 30 to be removed, and I have an appointment to evaluate this on Friday. That will put a person in a crappy mood.
As I sat here in full-on whine mode, the UPS guy came by. Cookies by Design? Yes please! It was a very sweet gesture by my employers. That cheered me up a bit, and then mom and dad brought over the most amazing dinner ever. There was meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, crock pot macaroni and cheese, and bread pudding. Yowza. There is even enough for leftovers tomorrow. I was able to quit being teary-eyed for a bit. (food always does that to me. LOL)
And then, it was time to drain. I was nearly in tears on the way in. It's nothing for drain 2 to be 20, 30, 40 or even 50cc. What was it this time? 2. TWO!!! I haven't even seen a 10 from that evil drain yet, and it's a TWO?
Dear Lord, don't let this be a fluke. I checked, and there were no kinks or twists or problems with the drain tubes. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but if this trend continues, I could get rid of BOTH drains on Friday afternoon. I'm REALLY trying not to get my hopes up. With good reason. Does THIS make sense to you:
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, and I'll just roll with whatever it is. It sure would be nice to get rid of these dang things, so I could go out into public without feeling gross. Driving would be cool, too.
Baby steps.
I woke up 3 hours later. I felt a little bit better, and could tell the swelling was down, but the mood was kinda crappy. After all, while drain one could be removed any time, drain two hates my guts and has been putting out over 80cc per day. It has to be under 30 to be removed, and I have an appointment to evaluate this on Friday. That will put a person in a crappy mood.
As I sat here in full-on whine mode, the UPS guy came by. Cookies by Design? Yes please! It was a very sweet gesture by my employers. That cheered me up a bit, and then mom and dad brought over the most amazing dinner ever. There was meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, crock pot macaroni and cheese, and bread pudding. Yowza. There is even enough for leftovers tomorrow. I was able to quit being teary-eyed for a bit. (food always does that to me. LOL)
And then, it was time to drain. I was nearly in tears on the way in. It's nothing for drain 2 to be 20, 30, 40 or even 50cc. What was it this time? 2. TWO!!! I haven't even seen a 10 from that evil drain yet, and it's a TWO?
Dear Lord, don't let this be a fluke. I checked, and there were no kinks or twists or problems with the drain tubes. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but if this trend continues, I could get rid of BOTH drains on Friday afternoon. I'm REALLY trying not to get my hopes up. With good reason. Does THIS make sense to you:
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, and I'll just roll with whatever it is. It sure would be nice to get rid of these dang things, so I could go out into public without feeling gross. Driving would be cool, too.
Baby steps.
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