Online Relationships

I have a lot of support from my family, coworkers and friends.  Still, when I found some breast cancer message boards while doing research (right after diagnosis,) I started growing close to the members there.  I'd never met them, and will likely never get the chance to meet most of them, but there was something I needed there.  These people were going through the EXACT same thing that I was going through.

They would ask questions that I had in my mind but hadn't verbalized.  They would answer my questions with the hours and hours of research they had done before me.  They would lift me up when I was down and just listen when that was what I needed.  I got to "know" them.  I grew to love them.

Someone in that group decided to start a group on Facebook.  That group grew even closer.  They understand the parts of this that nobody else could understand, unless they'd been through it.  We share pictures of scars and of newly growing eyebrows.  We share stories of wigs and prosthetic breasts.  We laugh, we cry, and we make inappropriate jokes.

Yup.  This is a new group of friends that mean the world to me.  I love them all, and I'm thankful for the internet for bringing them into my life.  I've had a rough couple of days lately, and spending a lazy 3 hours online "visiting" with them this morning just makes me smile.  Thanks, girls!

Feeling Good (and Confused)

On Monday, I had my radiology consult.  By midday on Tuesday, the bone pain was nearly gone, causing me to take nothing more than Advil.  By Wednesday, I was back to feeling myself...or at least 90% myself, which is the most I could hope for these days.  It felt pretty darn good, too.  I'm back to being myself, and annoying my coworkers.  :)

Yesterday, I got a phone call from radiology, saying that they had my schedule ready, and I would have 33 treatments, starting Monday.  I wrote down everything she said, and was thinking about how to get my full hours in at work while attending an 8:00 appointment every morning.  After hanging up, it hit me:  NEXT Monday???  That's not even 2 weeks after my last chemo, and the oncologist said I'd have a month between for my body to rest and get back to normal.  Also, my whites are at their lowest today through Monday.  *sigh*

I emailed the oncologist's nurse and got back to work while waiting for an answer, although to say I was distracted would be an understatement.  I didn't get an answer by the time I left a bit after 2:00.  The nurse always said that if I don't get an answer, I should call, so as soon as I got in the car, I called in.  (I was on a bluetooth headset, so don't lecture me.)

The receptionist said that my usual nurse wasn't in (thus, the non-answer) but she would transfer me to the other nurse.  I got her voice mail.  *sigh*  I left a detailed message about what I wanted.  This was around 2:15 and her message said she was in until 3:30.  I never got a call back.  Even if she wouldn't have an answer until today, I wish she would have called to tell me that.

I woke up at 2:00 and immediately started thinking about it.  If the oncologist thinks it's too soon to start, I'll have to call radiology and change the plan.  If the oncologist leaves it up to me, I don't know what to do.  Having another couple of weeks off would be nice, but if I start Monday, I'll be done by mid-November.  That would be nice, too.  I just hope it's not up to me.  I want her (the oncologist) to tell me what to do, and I'm sure she will.  These swirling thoughts kept me from going back to sleep, of course.  Sheesh.

If I haven't heard from them by the time I leave today, I'm driving ot her office and talking to someone in person, whether they like it or not.  This is my last business day before I am to start radiation treatments, and if I DON'T start Monday, they deserve a bit of notice that I'm not going to show up.  I sure am fed up with cancer and all that it entails.

Tonight, though, Kevin and I are meeting some friends in Brookside for some dinner and an after-work drink.  I can't believe I'm going to do something like normal people do.  I'm really looking forward to it, too. By the end of the day, I'll have an answer to my radiation confusion, and I'll be hanging out with friends that I haven't seen in too long.

The Whiny Post

Sorry to all those who have said how amazing I'm doing, but this post is whiny, so maybe skip it?  I like the idea of you guys thinking I'm such a butt kicker and all, but today nearly won this battle.

I woke up at 1:45, tried to go back to sleep until 2:30 and gave up.  Got up and ready, took meds, talked to Kevin, felt the 'roids kick in, and headed to work.  The morning went great, as always, because of the steroids, but they were taken earlier, so they also wore off earlier.  I should have left at noon, but I was sure I could get more time in.

It turns out good (in one way) that I did, since something came up at 1:00 that needs attention before Monday.  I volunteered to do it from home, since it can be done time anytime before Sunday  morning (on my time = doable for me) and I left at 1:30.  It was the first time that, all the way home, I regretted how long I'd stayed.  Or how far I lived from the lab.  Either one.  Both.

Now I'm back in the recliner.  I likely won't move until morning.  Two dear work friends bought Funhouse Pizza for me to bring home, so I have dinner on the table for my family like a good mom.  :)  If I wasn't a lump in the corner, someone might buy that line.  Anyway, so many coworkers have sent meals and food home and it has helped tremendously.

Tonight I take my last does of steroids, get my hair cut as soon as they open (before the medicine is out of my body) and get home.  I hear I'll likely sleep all day.  We'll see.  After three nights of not sleeping, I'll take a full day of it.  Also, I've been advised to ask my oncologist for a mild sleep aid for the next round, and I won't have to go through these three sleepless nights.

And this concludes the pissing and moaning.  Over and Out.

Edited later to add:  Make that FOUR sleepless nights.  *sigh*

People Amaze Me

Saturday was a better day.  It wasn't banner, by any means, but I was functional.  I'm trying to do more and more by myself, since Kevin is gone during the week days and I'll have to, and last night I was pretty sure I broke my shoulder.  (Yes, drama is my thing.)

There are a lot of blessings going on for us, and a lot of worries.  We're just getting through things one at a time.  Figuring it out as we go along.  That's really all you can do.  Unless, of course, you have friends like ours.

We got a call last night (sorry again that you had to talk to me while I was stoned out of my mind, yet still in pain.  It's an interesting state that usually Kevin only gets to experience.)  Anyway, this call knocked our socks off.  I am amazed and astounded and let's just say that some worries have been alleviated.  I still have cancer, but that fact is certainly easier to deal with when you know you can take care of the day-to-day things.

And maybe have my car be legal when I'm released to drive.  That'd be cool.

Quit With the Puppy Eyes, OK?

I understand that I have cancer, and that most people don't know what to say or do.  I didn't want to post this article, because it might make it sound like I want you to come clean my house.  I do NOT (yet) want you to come clean my house.  I do, however, appreciate many of the thoughts expressed.

I know that some people freak out and cry forever about a cancer diagnosis.  I know that everyone reacts differently and none of those reactions are wrong.  Let me clear the air.  I am dealing with this one day at a time, and laughing all the way.  You need me to help with that big order?  Sorry.  I can't.  I have cancer.  (insert big laugh here.)

I've been patient, and will continue to be so.  However, if you read this, that means you give a shit about me, so here goes:

Please, under NO circumstances, should you look at me, cock your head to the side like a sad puppy, and ask, "How ya doin', Rachel?"  How am I doing?  I have cancer.  I'm  not undergoing treatment right now, so I feel the same as I did 6 months ago.  Physically, I'm fine.  Emotionally?  I have very close friends and family to keep it pulled together.

I had a friend/coworker suggest that I develop tourettes when someone does this.  "SHIT DAMN ELBOW BUTT CANCER REFRIGERATOR ASS NO!"  I'm not sure that's the right reaction, but it made me laugh.

If you see me crying, an offer of comfort will be welcomed.  If I'm working along at my desk, let's just carry on, OK?  You won't see me crying at my desk, however, unless someone does the puppy  head-cock at me. THAT makes me cry.  The cancer doesn't.  Not yet, anyway.  I don't want it to win.  Right now, I'm making inappropriate jokes and waiting for the next Dr's appointment.

Can we move on?  I'll let you know when I need something.  I promise.

Happy Birthday to Me!

I had a great/terrible day.  My friends made it awesome, but work was really hard.  I can handle hard work, but today was different.  Maybe because I'm 36 hours from knowing all the details of the cancer?  I was just a bit teary all day.

I didn't break down, and I didn't cry.  I'm still OK.  I just keep building my list of questions for the surgeon, and keep on keepin' on.  I know life goes on, and I'm thankful that life goes on.  I'm thankful that I'm still super-busy at work.  However, there are short moments during the day that I wish I could shut down for 3 minutes, cry, and then move on.

I won't, and I'm fine.  I just had a day.  I think the biggest problem was, "Happy Birthday!  You have Cancer!"  That's probably it.  I don't know, but I'm guessing.

I need to get Thursday's appointment over with, so I know what we're up against.  After Thursday morning, I'll be fine.  That's the plan.  Fine.

Light

Today was an amazing day.  It got *almost* warm enough for even me, and some friends met us at Mom and Dad's for some shooting.  Then it was back to our house for bar food and stupid stuff on TV.  Yup, a good day.  It makes me thankful for the most important source of light:

Goodnight, sunshine.  Thanks for coming to play today.