Tired. You?

I don't want to sound ungrateful, hateful, or snippy for even a minute of this post, so if it comes across that way, I apologize in advance.  Several people a day ask me how I'm feeling.  The answer is always, "Tired."  The bone pain is gone and I haven't taken a pain pill since Monday.  I just can't bounce back from the fatigue this time.

I'm considering lying.  I could plaster on a fake smile and say, "I'm great!"  Nobody is making me feel like I need to do this, but I'm sick to death of hearing myself say I'm tired.  Almost as sick of saying I'm tired as I am of BEING tired.   Almost.

I am asleep, or at least horizontal, most every moment that I'm not at work.  That's why I'm not on Facebook much.  That's why I'm not blogging much.  I don't hurt right now and I'm not having any major issues.  I'm just tired, and I'm tired of being tired, and I'm tired of bitching about being tired of being tired.

How are you?

Reason Number 472 that Cancer Sucks

I've made a lot of friends online who are going through breast cancer at the same time as I am.  Many are on the same chemo drugs I am, and nearly the same schedule.  It is a fantastic place to learn about treatments, side effects, research, etc.  These women have been great for me, even when we're all just complaining to each other.  I feel a lot less guilt when I complain about a side effect to someone else going through it, instead of to the people who have to live with me.

While having a discussion with these ladies recently, I revealed another one of the 10,000 things that I hate about cancer.  Now that I've lost my hair, I've lost my anonymity.  Before the hair went, I could go out in public and blend in as just another woman in the store.  Now, I'm the sick woman.  Yesterday, during lunch, I told my friend that I hated looking sick.  She said that I didn't look sick to her.  What I meant, though, was the obvious lack of hair.

I just can't bring myself to wear a wig.  That is my choice, and I get that.  I am much more comfortable in a hat, buff or a bandanna, although they make it obvious that I have no hair underneath.  Everywhere I go, it's apparent that I have no hair, and the assumption is made that I am going through chemotherapy.  That brings one of two reactions:  I get the "pity look," or the instant gaze aversion.

I'm doing fine.  I'm getting through it.  I'll be halfway through chemo after Wednesday.  Having no hair has cut my shower time by more than half.  There are little silver linings everywhere.  I just miss blending in.  I miss being just another mom, shopping for toilet paper.

Although I cannot wait until a year from now when I have the reconstructive surgery and this is all behind me, I mostly want chemo to end so my hair can come back, so I can be just another face in the crowd.  When the pity looks and averted looks stop.  Yup.  Give me back my anonymity.

The Easiest Cycle Yet

I made the mistake of taking my last steroid too late, which pushed my crash to a work day which overlapped with my bone pain day.  I even whined about it here.  However, this third cycle has been the easiest one yet.

I have had a headache only two out of the 11 days that have passed on cycle three.  This is on the heels of 4 weeks of daily headaches, so it's a BIG deal.  I have been getting eight hours of sleep without the aid of medication.  I was able to work nine hours, two days straight, to make up for the crash day shortage.

Yup.  I may have complained about Monday, but I'm very pleased with chemo cycle three.  I have one more dose of A/C, which happens on Wednesday.  I hope to sail through it as easily as this one.  After that, I start another chemo drug.  I've heard that Taxol is easier than the A/C combo for most people.  Isn't THAT good news???