Saturday, June 2, 2012

Puttin' on My Big Girl Panties

I was going to post last night.  The appointment was fine.  No bad news anywhere.  However, I was the weepiest cry-baby I've been since this whole journey started.  I cried about everything.  I sent a message to Mom so she wouldn't wonder/worry and told her I'd post today.  I don't like to post when I'm in a foul mood, unless I feel like conveying a foul mood in the post (which I sometimes do!)

Anyway, I worked for half a day (if I haven't mentioned it lately, I work with some cool people) and headed to the plastic surgeon's office.  The plan was to get my first fill in the tissue expander.  Because of how tight things were feeling, I was sure I'd have to go from there to get fluid removed because of the buildup.  He checked me out and said it wasn't enough to concern ourselves with.  YeeHaw!

That fact made me happier than I thought it would, because of a detail his nurse filled me in on.  If I had needed that done, they wouldn't have been able to do the fill.  So that all made me VERY grateful.  They did the fill and sent me on my way.  (By the way, the fill is a GIANT syringe full of saline and the whole process took less than 2 minutes.  Easy peasy.)

If you remember, chemo had been scheduled, but they had to cancel when they found out I still had that pesky drain.  Now that it's gone, I had to reschedule, which means a visit with the oncologist's office.  That was a confusing mess that took over an hour, but it finally got scheduled.  From that point on, I became a girl.

I HATE when I am girly and whiny, and I had a FULL evening of it.  Everything that was said or done set me off.  Poor Kevin.  I think the problem is that, until this point, all appointments for procedures have been made, and then I'm informed about them.  "Go to this hospital on this date and we're going to do a mastectomy."  Oh. OK.  "Go to this office and get your tissue expander fill on this date."  Oh, OK.

Yesterday, I had to play phone tag and wrestle for a date to see the oncologist, and if she pronounces that all is healed well, I go immediately downstairs for my first chemo treatment.  This will be June 12, for those keeping score.  I was told to plan on it taking most of the day due to the doctor's appointment first, and the fact that they do your first infusion slowly to watch for any problems.

So, I had make the appointment, chemo is back on the calendar again, and this all made things more real again for some reason.  I think getting back to work made me start to feel a little bit more normal.  Once the drain was gone, I could get really busy on a project and my brain wasn't constantly thinking CANCER in every train of thought. In fact, I felt the best, physically, yesterday that I've felt since surgery!  I was cutting up with friends and having a GREAT morning.  Suddenly, last night, the big "C" was back.

So I bawled a lot.  Made my husband miserable, too (because he can't fix it.)   I woke up this morning to a beautiful day, made some coffee, and read something online that made me tear up.  At this point I'd had it with me.  Kevin is on the way to Carthage to pick Monica up and Natalie is still in bed, so I'm upstairs alone.  This afforded me the opportunity to talk to myself out loud and not be sent to the loony bin.

I lectured myself for a good 5 minutes.  "Listen, you big baby!  Everyone deserves to go on a pity party sometimes, and everyone deserves to cry.  You had that chance.  You cried all evening yesterday.  You cried about big stuff like cancer and you cried about little stuff like a favorite show being a rerun.  You cried and cried and today, you're DONE.  Put on your big girl panties, go enjoy this perfect weather, and quit your sniveling.

Call Tammy and take her out to lunch.  Take Natalie shopping for a new swimsuit like you promised a week ago.  Quit playing victim.  Quit acting like cancer has you down, when right this moment, you aren't even undergoing TREATMENT!  If you LET yourself, you can feel AWESOME today.  Now have some coffee, get dressed, get out of the house and quit feeling sorry for yourself, you big baby."

I suggest that, if you ever act like I was acting, you don't do so around me.  I can give some harsh lectures.  Right this moment, I'm going to go get dressed and follow my advice.  I'm afraid that, if I don't listen to me, I might get mad at me and do something more drastic.  :)

Here's to a happy day!


Shell said...

Everyone is entitled a crybaby day once in awhile, and I'm sure that yours was entirely deserved. I hope it at least helped ease some of your frustrations with how this whole thing has gone down.

BUT! You are right. Cry, get over it, and go on with your life. Also know that there are a great many people who have your back, and don't hesitate to reach out when you need it. Honestly, I won't tell you to suck it up if you need to vent. (I may make fun of you to make you laugh, but...)

One foot in front of the other. We love you and we'll do whatever we can to help you get through this. /sap


Margaret said...

I would think it was strange if you didn't break down at times. Holding emotions in isn't healthy! Getting a routine and plan is one of the (many) hard things about cancer. You are swept along without any control. What kind of chemo are you on? Make sure to research it a bit; the docs don't always know about the side effects. I had to tell my husband's oncologist that his newish third line chemo(Abraxane--which is also used for breast cancer) can cause chest pain. Which he was having. Hope that life settles down and that dealing with the big C becomes more manageable. xoxo

Adirondackcountrygal said...

Cry away! I did my share. You had a port put in right? Ask them for some Emela cream to put on it. Put it on about an hour or so before you first treatment. Right over the port and then cover it with a little plastic wrap and a couple bandaids to hold it then you won't feel the stick so much.
Also ask the oncologist for the Emend if you haven't yet. Stuff works great for nausea. Hang in there! I'll be praying for you.

Drea said...

I've been thinking about you all day. Spent my morning surrounded by women who have beaten breast cancer, and I know that you will too. You're handling this great - both by remaining positive and by giving yourself permission now & then to just be emotional and let go. You pick yourself back up and keep on keepin' on. You really rock, girlfriend! {hugs}

Missie said...

My mom is having half her lung removed on Friday due to lung cancer. Not her first battle either. She had breast cancer in 1986 and then again in 2006. You can do this! We're warriors!

Hollie said...

Bless your heart!! You definitely deserve that cry!! I'm praying for you!!

Carlene Noggle said...


Sandisan said...

You are very brave, it's not easy to go through what you are going through. Thinking positively is a very good thing to do, I believe it helps your immune system. Even the bravest of us needs time to feel a bit sorry for what has happened, it's not what we planned for ourselves. Know that you are in my thoughts & prayers....:)