I don't want to sound ungrateful, hateful, or snippy for even a minute of this post, so if it comes across that way, I apologize in advance. Several people a day ask me how I'm feeling. The answer is always, "Tired." The bone pain is gone and I haven't taken a pain pill since Monday. I just can't bounce back from the fatigue this time.
I'm considering lying. I could plaster on a fake smile and say, "I'm great!" Nobody is making me feel like I need to do this, but I'm sick to death of hearing myself say I'm tired. Almost as sick of saying I'm tired as I am of BEING tired. Almost.
I am asleep, or at least horizontal, most every moment that I'm not at work. That's why I'm not on Facebook much. That's why I'm not blogging much. I don't hurt right now and I'm not having any major issues. I'm just tired, and I'm tired of being tired, and I'm tired of bitching about being tired of being tired.
How are you?
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Saturday Morning
I think I'm happy that my chemo schedule has my most painful two days landing on the weekend. Sure, nobody would plan to spend their days off in a chair hurting, but at least it's not cutting into my paycheck! I started the day with my pain meds, Claritin (which is supposed to help with the bone pain but doesn't seem to) and Prevacid. Let's get this party goin'.
Kevin is working a half-day today. Thank goodness for his OT right now. Yesterday, it was $400 shelled out to fix the air conditioner. Who knows what it will be tomorrow, but I'm thankful we were able to get it fixed. As is typical, though, we got it fixed yesterday and do not need it today. I have the windows open and need a lap blanket. LOL It'll be there next week when we're back in the high 80s, though.
Yesterday was the first high school football game here in our little town. The girls are both playing in marching band, and I was hoping to make at least the first half, but couldn't do it. The game hadn't been going very long when one of our players was seriously hurt (ankle, I believe) as reported by Monica via text message. It makes me sick to my stomach and my family is praying for a speedy recovery for him.
I was asleep by the time the girls came home at half-time, and our Tigers were winning 42-0. LOL I haven't heard the final score, but sheesh. Our offense must have been getting tired. The next couple of games are away, I believe, so maybe I'll feel better in time for the next home game. If so, I'll go grab Mom and take her with me. Unless we can lure dad there with false promises of tractors.
I'm out of nonsense to bore you with, now. Carry on with your weekend. If you need me, I won't be hard to find. Check the recliner.
Kevin is working a half-day today. Thank goodness for his OT right now. Yesterday, it was $400 shelled out to fix the air conditioner. Who knows what it will be tomorrow, but I'm thankful we were able to get it fixed. As is typical, though, we got it fixed yesterday and do not need it today. I have the windows open and need a lap blanket. LOL It'll be there next week when we're back in the high 80s, though.
Yesterday was the first high school football game here in our little town. The girls are both playing in marching band, and I was hoping to make at least the first half, but couldn't do it. The game hadn't been going very long when one of our players was seriously hurt (ankle, I believe) as reported by Monica via text message. It makes me sick to my stomach and my family is praying for a speedy recovery for him.
I was asleep by the time the girls came home at half-time, and our Tigers were winning 42-0. LOL I haven't heard the final score, but sheesh. Our offense must have been getting tired. The next couple of games are away, I believe, so maybe I'll feel better in time for the next home game. If so, I'll go grab Mom and take her with me. Unless we can lure dad there with false promises of tractors.
I'm out of nonsense to bore you with, now. Carry on with your weekend. If you need me, I won't be hard to find. Check the recliner.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Tired
Well, unfortunately, I seem to be following the same pattern as last time. That still doesn't mean it will be as bad, but if today is an indicator, things haven't changed much.
I started out fine. It was actually a good day. I felt fine and accomplished a lot. Around 12:30, I started fading. I had to stay at work until 2:30 because my appointment for my shot was at 3 and the Dr.'s office is between work and home. I made it, but I was dragging butt by the time I left.
I got my shot (a 5 minute appointment) and headed home. I got here, changed into shorts (oh yeah, have I mentioned our air conditioner isn't working? Yay!) and collapsed int.he recliner. I haven't moved since. I am 100% out of energy. This is day 2, which is the day that I fell asleep at 4:30 last time. I've made it until 5, so that's an improvement. LOL
My nurse advised me to take pain pills from the get-go tomorrow. I'll have to start with Advil, so I can drive to work without the aid of narcotics. We'll see if that helps head things off. For now, I think I'll just sit here and see if a kid will bring me something to eat.
I started out fine. It was actually a good day. I felt fine and accomplished a lot. Around 12:30, I started fading. I had to stay at work until 2:30 because my appointment for my shot was at 3 and the Dr.'s office is between work and home. I made it, but I was dragging butt by the time I left.
I got my shot (a 5 minute appointment) and headed home. I got here, changed into shorts (oh yeah, have I mentioned our air conditioner isn't working? Yay!) and collapsed int.he recliner. I haven't moved since. I am 100% out of energy. This is day 2, which is the day that I fell asleep at 4:30 last time. I've made it until 5, so that's an improvement. LOL
My nurse advised me to take pain pills from the get-go tomorrow. I'll have to start with Advil, so I can drive to work without the aid of narcotics. We'll see if that helps head things off. For now, I think I'll just sit here and see if a kid will bring me something to eat.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Chemo Day 6 of 8
I had an appointment with my oncologist yesterday. I always have lab work and an appointment with her the day before chemo. I really like her, and I trust her completely. She's never been anything but honest and open with me. However, I was in a foul mood when I got there yesterday, and it caused me to leave there mad at her.
I posted on Facebook that I could tell her that there is battery acid dripping from my eye sockets and my arms have fallen off, and she would smile, nod, and say sweetly, "Yes, you're doing great." Normally, her positive attitude is what I need. She is gentle and sweet and understanding. I think the big ol' chip on my shoulder wanted her to say, "Wow, you're having a rough time, aren't you? Here's a cookie." LOL
The truth is, she really does think I'm doing very well, considering the side effects. She sounds amazed every time she asks if I'm still working and I tell her that I am. I keep saying that, if my job had better short-term disability pay, I'd take off until this was over. The truth is, though, I'd be in a worse place, emotionally, if I was home all day feeding my pity party. At least when I'm at work I am solving other people's problems and not thinking about my own.
Today is the day that I could have slept later. However, Kevin is trying to get some overtime, so he was up early and the light shines in our room, so I was up by 4. So much for sleeping in. I have an appointment with the plastic surgeon (it takes fewer than 5 minutes for a tissue expander fill) and then I double back to this side of the state line for chemo.
Chemo day is a relaxing day. Any side effects don't kick in for a couple of days, so it's not an uncomfortable experience in any way. I can play on my computer and relax. I can take lunch there if I choose, and they have a basket of snacks for those who find themselves hungry and ill prepared. The nurses are caring and sweet and chatty and genuine. I don't mind chemo day at all.
Three times, others have gone with me. It was fun to have someone to visit with, although I always worry they'll be bored. Kevin took reading material when he went, and my friends Brooke and Tammy each took a turn, hiding any boredom they experienced.
Kevin has planned an outing to Red Lobster for Sunday afternoon. We don't eat out very often, and he wanted to treat us with some of his OT. That is my incentive to not hurt so bad this time. LOL If it's as bad as last time, it'll just be him and the girls. If I can do it, I'll be going along. I LOVE Red Lobster. Maybe I'll start taking pain pills now to make sure it doesn't get too bad. I'm kidding, but I DO love those cheddar bay biscuits.
Wow, that turned into a rambling post. When you wander around that much in a blog post, it's time to stop.
I posted on Facebook that I could tell her that there is battery acid dripping from my eye sockets and my arms have fallen off, and she would smile, nod, and say sweetly, "Yes, you're doing great." Normally, her positive attitude is what I need. She is gentle and sweet and understanding. I think the big ol' chip on my shoulder wanted her to say, "Wow, you're having a rough time, aren't you? Here's a cookie." LOL
The truth is, she really does think I'm doing very well, considering the side effects. She sounds amazed every time she asks if I'm still working and I tell her that I am. I keep saying that, if my job had better short-term disability pay, I'd take off until this was over. The truth is, though, I'd be in a worse place, emotionally, if I was home all day feeding my pity party. At least when I'm at work I am solving other people's problems and not thinking about my own.
Today is the day that I could have slept later. However, Kevin is trying to get some overtime, so he was up early and the light shines in our room, so I was up by 4. So much for sleeping in. I have an appointment with the plastic surgeon (it takes fewer than 5 minutes for a tissue expander fill) and then I double back to this side of the state line for chemo.
Chemo day is a relaxing day. Any side effects don't kick in for a couple of days, so it's not an uncomfortable experience in any way. I can play on my computer and relax. I can take lunch there if I choose, and they have a basket of snacks for those who find themselves hungry and ill prepared. The nurses are caring and sweet and chatty and genuine. I don't mind chemo day at all.
Three times, others have gone with me. It was fun to have someone to visit with, although I always worry they'll be bored. Kevin took reading material when he went, and my friends Brooke and Tammy each took a turn, hiding any boredom they experienced.
Kevin has planned an outing to Red Lobster for Sunday afternoon. We don't eat out very often, and he wanted to treat us with some of his OT. That is my incentive to not hurt so bad this time. LOL If it's as bad as last time, it'll just be him and the girls. If I can do it, I'll be going along. I LOVE Red Lobster. Maybe I'll start taking pain pills now to make sure it doesn't get too bad. I'm kidding, but I DO love those cheddar bay biscuits.
Wow, that turned into a rambling post. When you wander around that much in a blog post, it's time to stop.
Monday, August 20, 2012
A Sense of Dread
Tomorrow is my blood work and Dr. appointment day. Wednesday is my chemo day. I noticed today that I am experiencing a sense of dread about this treatment. That is new. It's nagging at the back of my mind, and causing an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Nothing about this cancer trip has been fun. Nothing has caused joy and celebration. Still, each treatment has been a step toward completion. It has just been something that I do...a part of my schedule...no big deal. Every other Wednesday, I go for chemo.
After the last time (my first Taxol treatment) causing such intense pain, though, I don't wanna go. It could be completely different and not be so bad this time. I realize this. The first two A/C treatments were as expected, the third was a cake walk, and the fourth put me in the hospital. That means that the first Taxol putting me down for 4 days does NOT mean the second one will.
It's such a short time. The chemo portion of my treatment will all be over in 4-6 weeks. I can do anything for 4-6 weeks. I just don't like the feeling that it's leaving in my stomach. I bet I'll feel a lot better when Wednesday comes and goes. Once it's done, it's done.
You can't dread something that's over, right? (:
Nothing about this cancer trip has been fun. Nothing has caused joy and celebration. Still, each treatment has been a step toward completion. It has just been something that I do...a part of my schedule...no big deal. Every other Wednesday, I go for chemo.
After the last time (my first Taxol treatment) causing such intense pain, though, I don't wanna go. It could be completely different and not be so bad this time. I realize this. The first two A/C treatments were as expected, the third was a cake walk, and the fourth put me in the hospital. That means that the first Taxol putting me down for 4 days does NOT mean the second one will.
It's such a short time. The chemo portion of my treatment will all be over in 4-6 weeks. I can do anything for 4-6 weeks. I just don't like the feeling that it's leaving in my stomach. I bet I'll feel a lot better when Wednesday comes and goes. Once it's done, it's done.
You can't dread something that's over, right? (:
Saturday, August 18, 2012
I'm Still Here
I've gotten ribbed a bit for letting so much time pass between blog posts. In the past, that was reason for a sigh of relief. Now, it leaves distant friends and relatives wondering if I'm OK. I'm OK. I'm here. I don't want to do multiple "downer" posts in a row, so I just left the blog dormant this week.
Honestly, I started feeling better on Wednesday. I called it "narcotic-free Wednesday" because it was the first day in five that I hadn't needed pain pills. The debilitating pain was gone by then, but I was still so flipping exhausted. When Kevin got home at 4:30 on Wednesday, I was already asleep. I slept until 3. On Thursday and Friday, I fought the urge to lie down by avoiding the bedroom. LOL
Today, I feel all right. I woke early and paid bills. If you can do THAT and not become depressed, you're doing all right. Not only are we having record-high electric bills, cancer treatment doesn't come cheap. We've met our max out of pocket, but there are still payments being made from arrangements before we hit that max. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but to think this is going to start over at the first of the year is sort of depressing. Let's not think about that.
I've missed enough work lately that my paycheck was the smallest it's been since I returned to work. It was 2/3 the usual amount, actually. Thanks to Kevin's pay increases (yes, plural!) over the last couple of weeks, we still had enough to pay all of our bills that are due. That made me so happy. When I sat down with the bills and my computer and checkbook, I figured I'd have to juggle. Nope!
Back to me, I'm going to milk this weekend for all it's worth. I have chemo again on Wednesday, and if it follows the same timing, the bone pain will settle in on Friday. I'll enjoy not hurting until then, and try to stay awake until the sun goes down at night.
But no promises on that last part. :)
Honestly, I started feeling better on Wednesday. I called it "narcotic-free Wednesday" because it was the first day in five that I hadn't needed pain pills. The debilitating pain was gone by then, but I was still so flipping exhausted. When Kevin got home at 4:30 on Wednesday, I was already asleep. I slept until 3. On Thursday and Friday, I fought the urge to lie down by avoiding the bedroom. LOL
Today, I feel all right. I woke early and paid bills. If you can do THAT and not become depressed, you're doing all right. Not only are we having record-high electric bills, cancer treatment doesn't come cheap. We've met our max out of pocket, but there are still payments being made from arrangements before we hit that max. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but to think this is going to start over at the first of the year is sort of depressing. Let's not think about that.
I've missed enough work lately that my paycheck was the smallest it's been since I returned to work. It was 2/3 the usual amount, actually. Thanks to Kevin's pay increases (yes, plural!) over the last couple of weeks, we still had enough to pay all of our bills that are due. That made me so happy. When I sat down with the bills and my computer and checkbook, I figured I'd have to juggle. Nope!
Back to me, I'm going to milk this weekend for all it's worth. I have chemo again on Wednesday, and if it follows the same timing, the bone pain will settle in on Friday. I'll enjoy not hurting until then, and try to stay awake until the sun goes down at night.
But no promises on that last part. :)
Monday, August 13, 2012
Brief Update (Complaint Warning)
When I finished the A/C portion of my chemo and started Taxol, I was under the impression that it would be easier. I got my first infusion on Thursday, and felt pretty darned good. Friday, I went to work, still feeling good and thought I had it made.
After work, I had to stop for my Neulasta shot (it brings up my white count and is always 24 hours after chemo) and noticed, by the time I got there, that I was VERY tired. Oh well. I felt enough better that I may have overdone things a bit, and the weekend was here for me to recover.
Saturday, I was shocked at how badly my bone hurt. Traditionally, Neulasta causes bone pain, but it's been very predictable for me. I get the shot on day 2, and have pretty rough bone pain for 1 or 1 1/2 days around day 6. This was much worse, and much sooner, so I did some research and realized that Taxol causes bone and joint pain, too. Great.
Sunday was even worse, and by the afternoon, a fever had joined the party. WooFreakinHoo. Kevin called the on-call doctor (why do I never get sick during office hours?) and she told him to give me Tylenol and see if that brings it down. It was too early for me to be nutropenic (super-low whites, which hospitalized me last time) from the chemo, so she was willing to give it time to work itself out.
The Tylenol slowly brought down the fever, which had reached 101.8 at it's highest. With the fever down, we avoided a trip to the ER and I was told to go get blood drawn this morning. I woke feeling like I'd been drug behind a horse through the desert like in an old western, but showered and managed to get to the car. It was one of the few times ever that I was sorry to drive a standard transmission. My legs were screaming.
My blood counts were OK, but they drew a couple more vials to do some cultures on. I was then told to go home and rest. I did, which I will regret greatly on payday, but the four hour nap sided with the fact that I needed it.
The chemocare page on Taxol says that the pain duration should be "a few days." I am truly hoping that means I'll be able to tell a marked difference in the morning. I have pain pills, but I'd rather not take them at work unless I have to. I'd also like to be able to walk without wincing (and sometimes crying.) Mom made dinner for my family tonight, or it would have been ramen for sure.
Here's to a better tomorrow.
After work, I had to stop for my Neulasta shot (it brings up my white count and is always 24 hours after chemo) and noticed, by the time I got there, that I was VERY tired. Oh well. I felt enough better that I may have overdone things a bit, and the weekend was here for me to recover.
Saturday, I was shocked at how badly my bone hurt. Traditionally, Neulasta causes bone pain, but it's been very predictable for me. I get the shot on day 2, and have pretty rough bone pain for 1 or 1 1/2 days around day 6. This was much worse, and much sooner, so I did some research and realized that Taxol causes bone and joint pain, too. Great.
Sunday was even worse, and by the afternoon, a fever had joined the party. WooFreakinHoo. Kevin called the on-call doctor (why do I never get sick during office hours?) and she told him to give me Tylenol and see if that brings it down. It was too early for me to be nutropenic (super-low whites, which hospitalized me last time) from the chemo, so she was willing to give it time to work itself out.
The Tylenol slowly brought down the fever, which had reached 101.8 at it's highest. With the fever down, we avoided a trip to the ER and I was told to go get blood drawn this morning. I woke feeling like I'd been drug behind a horse through the desert like in an old western, but showered and managed to get to the car. It was one of the few times ever that I was sorry to drive a standard transmission. My legs were screaming.
My blood counts were OK, but they drew a couple more vials to do some cultures on. I was then told to go home and rest. I did, which I will regret greatly on payday, but the four hour nap sided with the fact that I needed it.
The chemocare page on Taxol says that the pain duration should be "a few days." I am truly hoping that means I'll be able to tell a marked difference in the morning. I have pain pills, but I'd rather not take them at work unless I have to. I'd also like to be able to walk without wincing (and sometimes crying.) Mom made dinner for my family tonight, or it would have been ramen for sure.
Here's to a better tomorrow.
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