- Serve as an axis for the planet Earth to revolve around. (That's right, all planets in this solar system will revolve around you.)
- Provide light during daytime (varying length) hours, to alleviate the need for electricity.
- Warm the inhabitants of Earth.
- Provide a glowing tan to celebrities and those with no CLUE about skin cancer.
- Signal the beginning and end of the day.
- Provide energy for plants to produce glucose with the process of photosynthesis.
As for the first bullet point, the employee has never wavered. The planets continue to revolve around employee as directed. On the second point, employee has completed this task, but with laziness during winter. During summer hours in colder regions, and always in California, employee has handled number 4 quite well.
With item number 5, employee has continued to complete this task, but usually under a cloak of clouds and at a reduced duration. Item 6 seems to have not been affected thus far.
As for item number 3, employee has been quite lazy in completing the task at hand. Pets suffer frozen paws, humans must warm their mode of transportation each day, wasting valuable fuel, and coats are worn, creating ugly static cling. Hats create horrible hair styles, and the prevailing crabby attitude is causing undo stress.
It is advised that the aforementioned employee spend more time on the job, create a warmer atmosphere, and complete the job at hand. If these things fail to happen within the next 2 weeks, a groundhog must be shot.
1 groundhog for each week after that Mid-March deadline.
I'm just sayin'.