I understand that I have cancer, and that most people don't know what to say or do. I didn't want to post this article, because it might make it sound like I want you to come clean my house. I do NOT (yet) want you to come clean my house. I do, however, appreciate many of the thoughts expressed.
I know that some people freak out and cry forever about a cancer diagnosis. I know that everyone reacts differently and none of those reactions are wrong. Let me clear the air. I am dealing with this one day at a time, and laughing all the way. You need me to help with that big order? Sorry. I can't. I have cancer. (insert big laugh here.)
I've been patient, and will continue to be so. However, if you read this, that means you give a shit about me, so here goes:
Please, under NO circumstances, should you look at me, cock your head to the side like a sad puppy, and ask, "How ya doin', Rachel?" How am I doing? I have cancer. I'm not undergoing treatment right now, so I feel the same as I did 6 months ago. Physically, I'm fine. Emotionally? I have very close friends and family to keep it pulled together.
I had a friend/coworker suggest that I develop tourettes when someone does this. "SHIT DAMN ELBOW BUTT CANCER REFRIGERATOR ASS NO!" I'm not sure that's the right reaction, but it made me laugh.
If you see me crying, an offer of comfort will be welcomed. If I'm working along at my desk, let's just carry on, OK? You won't see me crying at my desk, however, unless someone does the puppy head-cock at me. THAT makes me cry. The cancer doesn't. Not yet, anyway. I don't want it to win. Right now, I'm making inappropriate jokes and waiting for the next Dr's appointment.
Can we move on? I'll let you know when I need something. I promise.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Waiting, Waiting, Waiting
I haven't posted because I don't know a darn thing. We're still waiting.
Waiting to hear when the last couple of tests will be scheduled.
Waiting for my appointment with the plastic surgeon next Wednesday.
Waiting to find out when the surgery will be.
Waiting to win the lottery.
I threw that last one in there as a test. All of the other things WILL happen, so if that is up against those things, maybe it will happen too!
Waiting kinda sucks.
Waiting to hear when the last couple of tests will be scheduled.
Waiting for my appointment with the plastic surgeon next Wednesday.
Waiting to find out when the surgery will be.
Waiting to win the lottery.
I threw that last one in there as a test. All of the other things WILL happen, so if that is up against those things, maybe it will happen too!
Waiting kinda sucks.
Friday, March 23, 2012
More of the Cancer Chronicles
I got a couple of calls today. The first was from the genetic testing. I was negative for the changed chromosome that is a precursor for cancer. What does this mean? It means that I got this "just because." I don't have to have my kids tested, their kids tested, my brother and his kids tested, etc. I hadn't told my family yet (other than the girls,) but if it had been positive, I'd have had to call family and beg them to get tested. Thank God I didn't have to make those calls. It also means that I'm not at any more risk to get cancer again than you are. It's nothin' but a thing.
The second call was the surgeons office, telling me that they'd set up an appointment with the plastic surgeon. That will be on April 4. This means that I will NOT be having surgery within the next 2 weeks. After this appointment, they'll tell me when the surgery will happen. In the mean time, I have to get the EKG and PET scan. That gives me at least 2 weeks to keep things going at work.
PHEW! That's enough for tonight. Both girls went to spend the night with friends tonight, so I'll likely forget the dishes and just crash early. Tomorrow? Kevin and I are having a date day. Not a date night. An entire date day. No telling what we'll do, but we're doin' it. Sweet!
The second call was the surgeons office, telling me that they'd set up an appointment with the plastic surgeon. That will be on April 4. This means that I will NOT be having surgery within the next 2 weeks. After this appointment, they'll tell me when the surgery will happen. In the mean time, I have to get the EKG and PET scan. That gives me at least 2 weeks to keep things going at work.
PHEW! That's enough for tonight. Both girls went to spend the night with friends tonight, so I'll likely forget the dishes and just crash early. Tomorrow? Kevin and I are having a date day. Not a date night. An entire date day. No telling what we'll do, but we're doin' it. Sweet!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The Oncologist Appointment
Ok, so we went. the PDAS was in full swing today. I was jittery, my legs were numb, my chest was tight, and I was light-headed. After the appointment, I was ready to skip to the truck singing. My husband has bad knees, so I didn't. Still, naming the affliction has helped me laugh at myself and move along. My blood pressure is normally 110/60 or something similar. At the beginning of the appointment, it was 141/67. LOL What a moron.
Anyway, I was told that I do NOT need chemo before surgery. That was a glorious thing that made the heavens open up and made me have jazz hands. Not really, but almost. She (the oncologist) and the surgeon want me to have an EKG and another thing. I thought I heard Pet CT and then I doubted myself and thought I only heard CT and Kevin thought he may have heard both. Yes, we are freaking out, but whatever it is, I have to have it. That's fine. Tests don't make me get PDAS.
After those tests, I'll see the surgeon again. I could be cut upon in less than 2 weeks. I'm OK with that. I'm ready. After surgery, she said we'd start chemo in a month or so. We both questioned that. Ummm, if you get it all (I'm opting for mastectomy, based on the size of the tumor) and the lymph node you take is clear, why would you do chemo?
Her answer was that there could be that "one cancer cell" that has moved on. Ummm...you want to put poison in my body "just in case?" We'll decide later, but I'm not sure at this point. If they say they got it all and the lymph nodes are clear, jazz hands WILL come out again. I'm just sayin'.
Today, I am fine. I still feel great, and get to continue to feel great until surgery. That was an amazing thing to hear. That was almost as good as "Insurance pays for reconstruction." Not quite, but almost. Come on! You know you have it in you! Jazz hands, everyone!
Anyway, I was told that I do NOT need chemo before surgery. That was a glorious thing that made the heavens open up and made me have jazz hands. Not really, but almost. She (the oncologist) and the surgeon want me to have an EKG and another thing. I thought I heard Pet CT and then I doubted myself and thought I only heard CT and Kevin thought he may have heard both. Yes, we are freaking out, but whatever it is, I have to have it. That's fine. Tests don't make me get PDAS.
After those tests, I'll see the surgeon again. I could be cut upon in less than 2 weeks. I'm OK with that. I'm ready. After surgery, she said we'd start chemo in a month or so. We both questioned that. Ummm, if you get it all (I'm opting for mastectomy, based on the size of the tumor) and the lymph node you take is clear, why would you do chemo?
Her answer was that there could be that "one cancer cell" that has moved on. Ummm...you want to put poison in my body "just in case?" We'll decide later, but I'm not sure at this point. If they say they got it all and the lymph nodes are clear, jazz hands WILL come out again. I'm just sayin'.
Today, I am fine. I still feel great, and get to continue to feel great until surgery. That was an amazing thing to hear. That was almost as good as "Insurance pays for reconstruction." Not quite, but almost. Come on! You know you have it in you! Jazz hands, everyone!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Please Excuse Me. I have PDAS.
I know about PMS. This feels a lot like that, but it's not the right time. Sorry, guys. I should have warned you about THAT, but I didn't. Too late.
I had a freak-out sort of day. Last night and today have been tough, and now that I'm seeing a pattern, tomorrow will be rough, too. My Modus Operandi is to freak the HELL out before an appointment, and then be fine as soon as it's over. Whether the news is good or bad, it's news. I need information. Waiting sucks. It is Pre Doctor Appointment Syndrome. I suffer it greatly.
Tomorrow is my oncologist appointment. I will find out what medication will be involved to help me kick this thing's ass. I find out if I'll lose my hair. I find out if I'll be too exhausted to work at the level that I want to during this thing. It doesn't matter. Tell me I'll kick it's butt, and I'll do what you say. It's just the unknown that is killing me. It did last week, too.
So, I suffer from PDAS. I'll be about to pass out on the way into the Dr's office, and fine when I walk out. Just like last week. Now that I can name it and recognize it, I plan to laugh at the tears. Laugh at the shaking hands. Laugh at the stupid reactions I seem to have to certain things. We're out of rice? WAHHHH! LOL
Sorry. You can't judge me right now. I have PDAS.
I had a freak-out sort of day. Last night and today have been tough, and now that I'm seeing a pattern, tomorrow will be rough, too. My Modus Operandi is to freak the HELL out before an appointment, and then be fine as soon as it's over. Whether the news is good or bad, it's news. I need information. Waiting sucks. It is Pre Doctor Appointment Syndrome. I suffer it greatly.
Tomorrow is my oncologist appointment. I will find out what medication will be involved to help me kick this thing's ass. I find out if I'll lose my hair. I find out if I'll be too exhausted to work at the level that I want to during this thing. It doesn't matter. Tell me I'll kick it's butt, and I'll do what you say. It's just the unknown that is killing me. It did last week, too.
So, I suffer from PDAS. I'll be about to pass out on the way into the Dr's office, and fine when I walk out. Just like last week. Now that I can name it and recognize it, I plan to laugh at the tears. Laugh at the shaking hands. Laugh at the stupid reactions I seem to have to certain things. We're out of rice? WAHHHH! LOL
Sorry. You can't judge me right now. I have PDAS.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
One More Step
They called this afternoon. I have an appointment with the oncologist on Thursday afternoon at 2:30. That's when I'll find out what they want to do, medically. Chemo? Radiation? Both? Who knows? I will know by Thursday evening. After that, it'll be another appointment with the surgeon (early next week) to get our final game plan in place.
If I am to do chemo, I'll likely start nearly immediately. WAH! Yes, that is freaking me out more than the other stuff. Yes, I know. Yes, it will grow back. Yes, I'll feel good again after. Yes, I know. Hell, I'll cry about what I want to, OK? Today I cried because I won't get perfect attendance this year. Stupid? Yup. I'm really proud of perfect attendance, and I'm looking for little things to freak out about, so I don't freak out about having cancer. Later, I intend to cry over spilled milk. Try to stop me.
OK, that made it sound like I'm crying non-stop. That's not true. I functioned at work JUST fine today. I'm doing fine now. There are just certain times that I need to cry. Hell, let's keep it in perspective: I cry at the Folgers Christmas commercials! I cry at greeting card commercials. I cry at sappy movies. It's what I'm good at.
If I am to do chemo, I'll likely start nearly immediately. WAH! Yes, that is freaking me out more than the other stuff. Yes, I know. Yes, it will grow back. Yes, I'll feel good again after. Yes, I know. Hell, I'll cry about what I want to, OK? Today I cried because I won't get perfect attendance this year. Stupid? Yup. I'm really proud of perfect attendance, and I'm looking for little things to freak out about, so I don't freak out about having cancer. Later, I intend to cry over spilled milk. Try to stop me.
OK, that made it sound like I'm crying non-stop. That's not true. I functioned at work JUST fine today. I'm doing fine now. There are just certain times that I need to cry. Hell, let's keep it in perspective: I cry at the Folgers Christmas commercials! I cry at greeting card commercials. I cry at sappy movies. It's what I'm good at.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Lymph Nodes 2, cancer 0
The ultra sound I had after the mammogram and during the biopsy indicated no cancer in the lymph nodes, but MIRs show more details. I had the MRI on Friday, and thought it'd be Tuesday or Wednesday before I heard about results.
I have a smart phone that I love most things about, but the vibrate feature is VERY weak. I took it out at 4 this afternoon, and saw that I had a voicemail. It was from the surgeon at 3:45, saying he'd try again after his 4:00 meeting. Crap. I immediately took it off vibrate, and turned the volume to "high."
While I was on the way home, he DID call back. He had the results of the MRI. It agrees with the ultrasound that the cancer is NOT in my lymph nodes. I have some BADASS lymph nodes, ok? There is no way to know, with 100% accuracy, that they are clear, until after surgery when they remove at least one. I'm still taking this as WONDERFUL news. NOTHING has suggested that it's there, and TWO things have suggested that it's not.
The other thing is that the right breast is fine. Nothing at all and no need for concern. After several comments that "insurance has to cover reconstruction," I started doing online research. It's TRUE! There was a law passed about it. SWEET. That made my decision to do the mastectomy instead of begging the surgeon to try to save it. Oh yeah. There's another reason for THAT, too.
Instead of two tumors, like they thought, the MRI indicates that it's likely one tumor, shaped like a dumbell. (shut it!) If that's true, it's a bit over 6 cm. Wow. The surgeon said that may rule out lumpectomy, but we've pretty much ruled that out for ourselves.
His nurses will schedule an appointment with an oncologist this week, and I'll likely be in surgery within 2-3 weeks. Oh. Another thing, for anyone who hasn't been close to this sort of thing: I need a surgeon and and an oncologist. That is a cutter, and a medicine guy. I've seen the cutter, and will see the medicine guy this week. Medicine guy decides if I'm a candidate for chemo or whatever else, and surgery will likely be within 2-3 weeks.
OK. That's it. I'm doing better after each appointment or conversation with those who know what they're doing. I'm crying when I have time to do so, but it's not all sadness. It's just overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed with information, overwhelmed with love and caring from friends and family, overwhelmed with the parts of life that must go on, and overwhelmed with worry. Still, I'm feeling better.
Sorry this turned into a cancer blog. LOL Not as sorry as I am that I got cancer, though. :)
I have a smart phone that I love most things about, but the vibrate feature is VERY weak. I took it out at 4 this afternoon, and saw that I had a voicemail. It was from the surgeon at 3:45, saying he'd try again after his 4:00 meeting. Crap. I immediately took it off vibrate, and turned the volume to "high."
While I was on the way home, he DID call back. He had the results of the MRI. It agrees with the ultrasound that the cancer is NOT in my lymph nodes. I have some BADASS lymph nodes, ok? There is no way to know, with 100% accuracy, that they are clear, until after surgery when they remove at least one. I'm still taking this as WONDERFUL news. NOTHING has suggested that it's there, and TWO things have suggested that it's not.
The other thing is that the right breast is fine. Nothing at all and no need for concern. After several comments that "insurance has to cover reconstruction," I started doing online research. It's TRUE! There was a law passed about it. SWEET. That made my decision to do the mastectomy instead of begging the surgeon to try to save it. Oh yeah. There's another reason for THAT, too.
Instead of two tumors, like they thought, the MRI indicates that it's likely one tumor, shaped like a dumbell. (shut it!) If that's true, it's a bit over 6 cm. Wow. The surgeon said that may rule out lumpectomy, but we've pretty much ruled that out for ourselves.
His nurses will schedule an appointment with an oncologist this week, and I'll likely be in surgery within 2-3 weeks. Oh. Another thing, for anyone who hasn't been close to this sort of thing: I need a surgeon and and an oncologist. That is a cutter, and a medicine guy. I've seen the cutter, and will see the medicine guy this week. Medicine guy decides if I'm a candidate for chemo or whatever else, and surgery will likely be within 2-3 weeks.
OK. That's it. I'm doing better after each appointment or conversation with those who know what they're doing. I'm crying when I have time to do so, but it's not all sadness. It's just overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed with information, overwhelmed with love and caring from friends and family, overwhelmed with the parts of life that must go on, and overwhelmed with worry. Still, I'm feeling better.
Sorry this turned into a cancer blog. LOL Not as sorry as I am that I got cancer, though. :)
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