A Change of Plans

I expected bone pain on Monday.  It's one of the joys of my chemo plan.  I get a Neulasta shot on the day after infusion, which helps my bones produce white cells more quickly.  The drawback is that I get bad bone pain (lower back, hips and legs) 3-4 days after the shot.  At least I can plan for it, which means that I knew Monday would be tough.

I made it until about 11 at work and decided to go home and try to get some work done from there.  On the way home, I started feeling overall yucky.  I wasn't even logged in to work before deciding that work wasn't going to happen just yet.  I needed a nap.  I felt like CRAP.  I told the girls that I was going to grab a nap, and went to bed around 1:30.

The next thing I remember, it was nearly 5 and Kevin was home from work.  I was chilling, had a splitting headache, and was overall miserable.  I took my temperature and it was 101.6.  We are to call the on-call doctor if it reaches 100.5, so I asked Kevin to call.  I could barely think, so I knew I wouldn't be able to make a coherent phone call.

She called in an antibiotic, which Kevin went to pick up for me.  She also told me to go in for blood work first thing this morning.  I woke with a temp under 100, so I figured I'd get blood drawn and then go in to work.  Wrong.

They drew blood from my port, drew blood from my arm, took a urine sample and took a chest X-ray.  I waited about an hour for the results, and knew they weren't good when my oncologist came in to deliver the news, instead of the nurse.  She told me that she doesn't like to see white counts under 2000, and mine were 700.  Paired with my fever the night before, she wanted to admit me.  *sigh*

A new problem developed when they found out that there were no beds at the hospital where I was.  I would have to go to the Kansas City location.  I called Kevin, who left work to come get me.  I was exhausted, still had a headache, and didn't feel up to the drive.   Plus, by this point, I was a little bit scared.  We finally headed out around noon, grabbed a bite to eat, and got to "the big hospital."  Seriously, one can easily get lost here.

By the time I was in a room, it was 2:00.  Kevin had to go home to get some necessities for me (I had no phone charger or computer or toothbrush, for heaven's sake!)  They accessed my port again, finally gave me some Tylenol for my headache, and I settled in.

From what they say, I'll be here a couple of days.  I have no fever, and my headache is down to a dull roar when on Tylenol.  I can count on one hand the number of times I've been in the hospital, so I'm not quite sure what to do here.  I guess I'll just do as they say, lie here, and build white blood cells.  Thank goodness for in-room internet.

Family, Kami, and the Bi-Weekly Crash

I surprised Kevin and the girls Friday night by nabbing Kami for the weekend.  We haven't had her in over a month!  I'm scared to keep her when I'm home alone because of the medications that I take (in case she tries to wake me up or something,) and we have had several weekends of company.  This weekend found my family at home and no scheduled company, so I jumped at the chance.

Being day 3 of a chemo cycle, I was having trouble functioning Friday night when I stopped by mom's, but my brother is in town and I wanted to see what was going on over there.  Slowly, the rest of my clan showed up to be surprised by Kameron running to them.  At that point, I headed home to my trusty recliner.

Kevin and I went to the grocery store yesterday, leaving Kami with the girls.  I made it through the store OK, although still running out of breath easily.  I think that is all due to steroids, and I shouldn't have to take those any more, now that my chemo regimen had changed.  After getting groceries all put away, we headed to Mom's for the afternoon.

My appetite was starting to come back, but fruit is all that sounded good, so I ate a ton of fruit.  LOL  Kevin, my brother Jim, and the others all spent HOURS shooting skeet and targets in the back, while I hung at the house with Kami, Mom, and the other non-shooters.  It was nice to spend a whole afternoon over there, although I feel like such a slug when I barely move from the chair.

By last night, I ate part of a cardboard pizza (am I the only one who calls them that?) and it seems that my appetite is back.  This morning's cereal tasted amazing.  Today is crash day, but hopefully my last crash day. If it's true that I no longer need the steroids, then it should be my last.  I'm hoping that Kami wakes up soon so we can play before I melt into a pile of goo in this chair for the rest of the day.

My brother and his family will head home this morning.  I didn't get to see a ton of them, but it was nice to see them as much as I did.  It's been a long time.  I hate that cancer chemo robbed me of being able to take part in the festivities more, but I'm thankful that it exists.  I hope they get home safely and come back sooner next time.  I'll be ready to hang with the gang by then!

Weird Sleep Schedule

Thursday darn near kicked my butt.  I was so tired when I left work and headed in for my Neulasta shot.  When I got home, I thought I'd just take a short nap so I could watch Big Brother at 8:00.  I was asleep by 3:30.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up and it was 10:30.  Oops.  Big Brother was recorded, so I still got to watch it.  I realized, too, that I'd only had about 10 saltines to eat all day.  Probably not a great plan, so I heated up a can of soup and watched my show.

After that, it was time to catch up online.  That being done, I need to see if I can squeeze in a couple more hours of sleep.  Somehow, I doubt it'll happen, but I have to give it a shot.  If not, I only have to get through one more day before the weekend.  I'm also thankful that I'm sleeping now, so I'll take it when I can get it.

Halfway There, and Weird Thoughts

I'm sitting in "the chair," getting chemo treatment 4 of 8.  I'll be halfway done with this part of the journey in about 2 hours.  The drug that I start in 2 weeks is supposed to be much easier.  I'll take easier.  Although, once she got my headaches and sleeplessness under control, I can't say I have all that much to complain about on THIS set of drugs.

I also went to the plastic surgeon today for a tissue expander fill.  He only did 60 cc again because it's been a month and it would have hurt me too much to do more than that.  It hurts pretty dang bad, anyway.  This may be a day that I leave the infusion center, go home, pop a Valium and a pain pill and go to sleep.  Anyway, he says that if I go more often, it shouldn't hurt as bad, so we're only waiting two weeks this time.

I said this on Facebook, but I'm really laughing at myself about this.  Any time I go to ANY doctor, the nurse takes me back, takes my vitals, and says, "change into this gown, the doctor will be with you shortly."  I KNOW that I'm going to sit in that cold room for at least 20 minutes, yet I scramble to change as quickly as I possibly can.  Why?  What's the hurry?  I'm just going to sit there, feeling vulnerable, legs dangling from that paper covered table/bench/bed thing for what feels like DAYS.

I think I'm worried he'll walk in and see something.  See what?  You know, the same thing he's going to make me show him anyway!  What's the point of the speedy-change freak out?  I've been going to doctor appointments by myself for 25 years.  I have NEVER been walked in on, or even ALMOST been walked in on while changing.  How many more years will it take for me to slow down and take my time?

I wonder if they have a set amount of time that they wait, in case someone is a slow changer?  Does the nurse make a note of the time she walked out, so the doctor can wait the appropriate amount of time before coming in?  How long could even the slowest mover take to remove her shirt, remove her bra, put on a gown, and climb up on a paper covered table/bench/bed thing?  Two minutes?  Hmmm.  The things I ponder from the chemo chair.

Reason Number 472 that Cancer Sucks

I've made a lot of friends online who are going through breast cancer at the same time as I am.  Many are on the same chemo drugs I am, and nearly the same schedule.  It is a fantastic place to learn about treatments, side effects, research, etc.  These women have been great for me, even when we're all just complaining to each other.  I feel a lot less guilt when I complain about a side effect to someone else going through it, instead of to the people who have to live with me.

While having a discussion with these ladies recently, I revealed another one of the 10,000 things that I hate about cancer.  Now that I've lost my hair, I've lost my anonymity.  Before the hair went, I could go out in public and blend in as just another woman in the store.  Now, I'm the sick woman.  Yesterday, during lunch, I told my friend that I hated looking sick.  She said that I didn't look sick to her.  What I meant, though, was the obvious lack of hair.

I just can't bring myself to wear a wig.  That is my choice, and I get that.  I am much more comfortable in a hat, buff or a bandanna, although they make it obvious that I have no hair underneath.  Everywhere I go, it's apparent that I have no hair, and the assumption is made that I am going through chemotherapy.  That brings one of two reactions:  I get the "pity look," or the instant gaze aversion.

I'm doing fine.  I'm getting through it.  I'll be halfway through chemo after Wednesday.  Having no hair has cut my shower time by more than half.  There are little silver linings everywhere.  I just miss blending in.  I miss being just another mom, shopping for toilet paper.

Although I cannot wait until a year from now when I have the reconstructive surgery and this is all behind me, I mostly want chemo to end so my hair can come back, so I can be just another face in the crowd.  When the pity looks and averted looks stop.  Yup.  Give me back my anonymity.

The Easiest Cycle Yet

I made the mistake of taking my last steroid too late, which pushed my crash to a work day which overlapped with my bone pain day.  I even whined about it here.  However, this third cycle has been the easiest one yet.

I have had a headache only two out of the 11 days that have passed on cycle three.  This is on the heels of 4 weeks of daily headaches, so it's a BIG deal.  I have been getting eight hours of sleep without the aid of medication.  I was able to work nine hours, two days straight, to make up for the crash day shortage.

Yup.  I may have complained about Monday, but I'm very pleased with chemo cycle three.  I have one more dose of A/C, which happens on Wednesday.  I hope to sail through it as easily as this one.  After that, I start another chemo drug.  I've heard that Taxol is easier than the A/C combo for most people.  Isn't THAT good news???

Feeling Better and a New Granddaughter

Yesterday and today have been better, and I even worked enough hours to make up what I shorted myself on Monday.  Not bad for only Wednesday.  I'm doing fine at work, and wiped out when I get home, so not much gets done by me.

More important news is that Jon and Kristin had baby Zoey Ann yesterday!  This is Jon's first, and he is so proud.  Of course, so are we.  How did I wind up with so many grandbabies at 43?  Wanna see the proud papa?

Wanna see what he's so proud of?

Yup.  I think she'll do.  I think she'll do JUST fine.