Getting On With My Life

Wow.  I haven't posted for a long time.  You're welcome.  Busy season at work and changing back to my regular hours has found me pretty dang tired by the time I get home.  Too tired to type?  OK, that sounds pretty lame, but I honestly get home and do next to nothing.

Last weekend, I decided I wanted to go to St. Louis to see my aunt Charlene and her husband Pat.  The last time we were there, we said we'd do it more often because it didn't take long to get there.  That was 2 years ago.  I told Kevin that I wasn't going to do that anymore.  A year of facing  your own mortality will make a person stop planning and start doing.  It was a fun trip, although far too short.  We're already talking about what we'll do the next time we go.

I found the suspicious lump in January and had a biopsy in February.  I was diagnosed in March and had surgery in April.  I got back to work in June.  I finished chemo on September 19th and finished radiation on November 14th.  I have follow up appointments happening now, but that's about it until the exchange surgery, which will be late May or early June.  I should be super excited that I'm completing treatment, and I am happy, but I'm constantly unsettled.

I think that treatment kept me occupied.  I was doing something.  I was actively fighting cancer.  Somehow it isn't as easy as it should be to accept, "OK.  You're all better.  Go on with your regularly scheduled life now."  Your brain doesn't work like that.  I want to ask, "So that's it?" but then again, I don't want to ask that at all.

My hair is finally growing back.  It's not as long as a crew cut yet, but it's moved from "fuzz" to "hair."  LOL  The gray is a lot easier to see right now, but that's what hair color is for.  I'm just looking forward to the day that I have to "fix my hair" to go somewhere.  Silly but true.

I know some people see a therapist after cancer treatment.  I've never considered myself the type to see someone like that, but I see why some do.  I'm not even saying that I won't.  I just haven't decided yet.  I'm fine most of the time, but not all the time.  I know I'll never be the same as before, but I'd like to get past the anxiety issues that sneak up on me at inopportune times.

It makes me VERY thankful for my Facebook group of friends who have gone through this with me.  We are small enough to have gotten to know each other, but big enough that someone is on pretty much 24/7.  If I can't sleep and it's 2 am and I feel the need to chat, someone is there.  Someone to listen to me whine, or laugh at my jokes, or commiserate about the state of our skin after radiation.  So far, that's all the therapy I need.

Overall, I am fine.  I have been cancer-free since surgery in April.  The chemo and radiation were both "just in case."  That is a lot of ammo to go through just because there "might be a burglar out there somewhere," but it's what was advised, so that's what I did.  And I'm fine.  2012 is a year that I'll be glad to put behind me, but I got through it.

A 100% Complaint-Free Post (I Promise!)

Good news is always welcome, but sometimes the timing is perfect.  This time, the timing was absolutely spot-on, considering what has transpired over the last couple of weeks.

Kevin was due for a raise on August 1, and got it.  (I don't think I mention often enough how much I love his job, but I love his job.)  That was great news, since my checks are suffering.  I just can't get 40 hour weeks in very often.  The news of his raise made me breath a little bit easier.  He had also bid on a different position, but we were just sitting on that, waiting to see what happened.

Well, he got the other position, and figured it would be a couple of weeks before the trickle-down training would find him in that new spot.  Nope.  He found out this week that he starts Monday!  Here are some things that make him (us) smile:

• The position means another (instant) raise, and a higher pay scale before topping out.
• It is much less physical, therefore easier on his beaten and achy body.
• The hours are 6:00-2:30.  These are Kevin's DREAM hours and made him nearly giddy.
• There is already talk of OT, which will be easier to do with the (physically) easier job, and will take some pressure off me when I'm not feeling well at work.
• In case you lost count, he has now received two raises in under two weeks.

The last few days, when something's going wrong or I feel crappy or emotionally down, I have the above list to make me feel better.  I am so thankful for a husband who works hard to keep us going.  Hell, I'm thankful for a husband willing to work, period!  And I am very thankful, every day, for Kevin's job.

Work, Dinner, and the Fair

I'm going to get a full week in this week.  That's good, since I don't know what next week will bring.  I spent four hours last night finishing up some testing that I was doing at home.  It's nice to be able to relax and get comfortable and still be able to work.

So I finished last night, and spent 45 minutes this morning composing an email with the results.  Not five minutes later, I got an email that a different round of testing was ready to start.  LOL  Well, that was some interesting timing.  It did free me up to come home midday and work from home some more.  I was a little bit sore and a lot tired.

Mom made my night, though, by bringing dinner over.  So amazing to just eat some wonderful stuff without the prep.  Coworkers have been really pitching in, too.  Now that I'm back at work, it's saved them the long drive out here, and they've been bringing stuff there and I'm bringing it home.

Our little town fair started tonight, so the girls are up there right now.  They're spoiled rotten, so their grandpa paid for all-you-can-ride wrist bands.  Kevin will pick Kami up tomorrow and we'll take her up there on Saturday.  Maybe tomorrow night AND Saturday.  Since it's only 2 blocks up the road, it's convenient for us.

We've decided to have a low-key weekend, just chilling out.  In the past, we've had a party on fair weekend, but there was no way I could entertain people this year.  I'm a bit emotionally unstable, and I don't know how I'll feel physically from day to day, either.  I just didn't want to chance having company.

It's my last weekend of "normal" for quite some time.  Chemo starts Tuesday.  Blech.

The Look Good, Feel Better Class

Going to something like a Look Good, Feel Better class is WAY outside of my comfort zone.  I'll go to a Mary Kay party or something, but that is usually at the home of someone I know, or I at least know several of the attendees.  This was me, going to find out how to take care of bad skin, bad nails, and a bare head (cancer is FUN) with a room full of people I don't know.  I also wear very light makeup, and figured the esthetician would push heavier makeup than I usually wear.

I had asked, when I scheduled the class, if one or both of my girls could attend with me.  They experiment with makeup a lot, and lately I am half useless without a second set of ears.  I was told that guests couldn't come because of patient confidentiality.  I completely understand that, so I set out on my own.  DEFINITELY outside my comfort zone.   I knew NOBODY in that little room.  Oh, and each of the other four attendees in the room had someone with them to help/observe.  I was the only one alone.

The two hour class lasted only an hour, because the person that teaches wigs, scarves, hats, buffs, etc. wasn't there.  That is 90% of the reason I wanted to go.  *sigh*  They did teach how to draw on eyebrows, which I will need.  I plan to teach Monica today so I'll have help when the time comes.  All of the skin care products, makeup, etc is donated, so everyone's kit was slightly different, but I bet each contained at least $150 worth of product.

Any time any of us mentioned something that we wouldn't use, the lady told us to take it for someone we knew (my girls will always try new makeup) or we could swap with each other.  Heck, two or three of the other ladies gave me several of their things when they found out I had teen girls at home.  Everyone was really sweet.

Things I didn't like:

• I could have taken someone, and was told I couldn't.  I would have been so much more comfortable with Monica or Natalie there.  I'm sure you aren't supposed to, and the others just didn't ask in advance, so they let them stay.
• The head covering lady didn't show.
• Some of the makeup is WAY dark or heavy for me.

Things I liked:

• The American Cancer Society offers these classes for free (and all over the city.)
• The products sent home are completely free, and are full-sized...not trial sizes.
• They will let you take the class multiple times, but you can only get one kit.  That means, I can attend another one later for the part they skipped.
• There were people there with far worse cancers than I have, or on their third recurrence, and it made me very thankful for where I am, physically.
• The girls will LOVE all the cool makeup products that they are going to inherit from this.
• I am always proud of myself when I do something that pushes my boundaries.

Obviously, the good far outweighs the bad.  It's an amazing program and I'd never say I'm sorry I went.  I will attend another class for the head-covering portion, I'm sure.  If you have someone in your life who finds out they are going to face chemo, make sure you tell them about this class.