1826 Pills

I had a follow-up with my oncologist today.  I was glad to have an appointment with a doctor, as weird as that sounds.  I feel like I spent all summer fighting cancer.  As soon as radiation was done, I started doing...nothing.  I feel like I've just stopped fighting it, and that makes me very uneasy.  I told her that, and she said that it is a very common feeling, and that I had to trust that we've done it.  Easier said than done.

I asked if she would please do a blood draw to make sure my whites had gotten back to normal levels.  I'm pretty sure they are, since I've had two colds and gotten rid of them both within three days, but I want to be sure.  She was very nice about it and told me that they would be happy to.  That means that I got to see Marie!  She's my favorite chemo nurse!  It was awesome to see her while feeling good, instead of in a chemo-induced stupor.  I'll get the results of the blood tests tomorrow.  ::fingers crossed::

I was also given the prescription for Tamoxifen.  Because my cancer was the type that feeds on estrogen, this is a medication that decreases the estrogen in my body.  I will take one pill per day for 5 years.  1825 pills.  Wait.  There is a leap-year in there.  1826 pills.  I hope that the side effects are minimal.

There is a chance, if I was perimenopausal, that this drug will push me into menopause.  Because of the "chemopause," (fake menopause brought on by chemotherapy,) I won't know for a while if this is the case.  Oh goodie.  More unknowns.  I do know that I'm sick of hot flashes and the most common side effect of Tamoxifen is hot flashes.  *sigh*

She was happy with my progress, and I am to go back and see her in three months.  After that, I'll likely see her every six months for the next five years.  I wish someone would do blood work or a scan and say, "Yes! You are cancer free!" but that isn't going to happen.  I just have to trust that it's gone.  I have to trust the doctors.  I have to trust the medication.  I have to trust the treatments.  I have to trust God.

I'm working on it.

Starting the Second Half

You know how, when you're watching a football game (I picture a high-school game here in our little town,) the team  heads to the locker room at half time?  If they have a rough first half, I imagine the coach tells them to pull it together and talks to them about the best way to turn it around.

If the team is winning when halftime gets here, they head to the locker room and talk about their strengths, how well they're doing, and how to keep the momentum rolling.  Of course, I've never been in a locker room during half-time of a football game, but this is what I expect.

Today, I start my "second half."  My body played a first half until the last couple of downs.  I had it pretty easy, looking like the star quarterback as I went through my first three treatments.  For my fourth treatment, though, cancer's team introduced some new players.  Big dudes from out of town.

My whites took a beating, leaving me in the hospital for three days.  My reds hit bottom, causing me to need a unit of blood.  I could do nothing more than come home from work and go straight to bed for over a week.  If my family wanted/needed something, they knew to come to my room.  It was a very depressing time.  Back to my football analogy, I was taking a beating and starting to feel like there was no way I could finish this game.

My whites bounced back over the weekend, though, and I felt better yesterday after receiving that unit of blood.  It's halftime, and I'm getting ready to start the second half.  Today is my first infusion of Taxol.  Most people who have had the Adriamycin/Cytoxan combo, and then had Taxol say that Taxol is the easier of the two.  I'm counting on that.  The coach is telling me that I'll get through this half with no problems, coming out the victor.

No matter what, the bell signalling the end of the game will ring on September 20.  Sure, I'll probably still need radiation, but chemo, as well as the assault on my white blood cells, will be over.  It feels good to say I'm halfway done.  Queue up the marching band and you guys go hit the concession stand and get a hot dog and a soda.  It's time for me to take the field for the second half.

The Headache and the Sleeplessness

The headache persists, but I conquered the other monster last night.  I took an OTC sleep aid and went to my bed at 7:00.  I got as comfortable as possible (pillows under my knees, shoulders supported, etc) and listened to some guided imagery type meditation tracks that had been suggested to me by some other wonderful ladies going through this breast cancer maze with me.  You may want to check them out.  There are tracks for almost any condition/need, from allergies to weight loss.

I've never been "into" meditation, done yoga, etc, but I am willing to try anything to get rid of this headache, and to achieve a good night's sleep.  I listened to the headache track, which did seem to help.  If nothing else, it helps you relax.  All I know is this:  The combination of what I did last night caused me to conk out before 7:30 and sleep until 3!  WooHoo!

I'm not taking anything for the headache today.  It's not helping, other than taking the edge off, so I'm going to tough through it for a day or so and see what happens.  I plan to out-stubborn the dang thing.  I plan to concentrate on posture and breathing today, and avoid Tylenol unless it just gets so bad that I can't stand it.  I've conquered the food beast, the sleeping beast, and have only one beast left to tame.  That means I can throw all of my energy at slaying that one beast.

Wish me luck.  I'm going in!