The Day Has Arrived

It's been a long year.  It's been a really bad year, actually.  Things keep getting better, though.  Today, in less than an hour, in  fact, we'll be heading to the hospital for my reconstructive surgery.  They'll remove the hard-as-a-rock tissue expander that they put in last April during the mastectomy, and replace it with a permanent implant.  He has a lot of shaping and scar tissue removal to do while he's in there.

Then, he'll do a reduction and lift on the other side for symmetry.  That's the side that will likely have the most pain, but the reconstruction side is the side we'll have to watch closely.  Because of the radiation on that side, the tissue will have a tougher time healing.  I may be in a sling for a while just to keep my arm still.  Whatever it takes, I'll do it.  I'm taking every possible precaution against infection and problems.  The "failure rate" of this surgery after radiation is a little scary, but as long as I follow all the doctor's rules and warnings, I have faith that it will be fine.

Kevin and I will head out around 5:15 to arrive at the Shawnee Mission Surgical Center by 7.  The procedure is to start at 8:30 and will take around 3 hours.  After an hour or two in recovery, we'll head home.  Kevin will be in charge of updating folks.  I'll be home and medicated by 5, if everything goes as planned.  Here we go!

Oh. Hi!

Yes.  It's been nearly a month since I updated.  I nearly deleted this blog about 20 times in the past month.  "Who cares?"  "Why bother?"  "There's always FaceBook."  "I don't matter, anyway."  "Nobody gives a shit."

Those are all things that I have thought in the past two months.  Of course, I know that most are not true.  I just got into a horrible place in my mind.  I could get through a work day if I allowed myself a couple of breaks to escape to the restroom and cry for a minute, but I was NOT my normal self.  I was NOT the positive one that I've always been.

I was embarrassed that I had beaten cancer and wasn't dancing a jig 24/7.  How do you tell someone that you're one of the luckiest people on earth and you're down in the dumps?  I just backed off and didn't tell anyone anything.  Other than Kevin.  Poor Kevin.

My oncologist made a medication adjustment, and I felt a difference 2 days later.  Within a week, I was laughing with my family.  I'm still not what I was, and I'll never be the same, but I feel like I can live.  I feel like I can be happy.  I feel like I'm in control again.

I had a follow-up with the oncologist today, and she's set me free for 3 months.  At that time, if all is still good, I'll only have to go back every 6 months.  WooHoo!

Next week is my pre-op appointment, and the following week is my exchange surgery.  Moving on.  I'm moving on.  Let's get this party started!

Oh yeah.  I forgot to mention:  My hair is curly and out of control.  And I'm OK with that.  :)