Wednesday, October 31, 2012


I was typing a facebook status and unexpectedly ended with "I'm growing tired of fighting."  That sounded so depressing, but that's not how I meant it.  Still, I'm tired of fighting.

I did the surgery.  I went back to work as soon as I was allowed.  I did chemo.  I lost my hair.  I dealt with side effects.  I kept working.  I got tired.  I tried to do all I could while wanting to sleep.  I started radiation.  Everyone told me how much easier it was than chemo.

It is easier than chemo.  But it's not easy.  I wake at 4 each morning.  I work for 2 hours, and then go to radiation.  After that, I return to work for 6 more hours.  My skin is raw.  I look sunburned, and I have areas that look like raw skin from a sunburn gone bad.  I'm so tired that I slept for 9 hours last night (thank you, Kevin) and it didn't help much.

People see that I'm done with chemo.  People see that I'm working full time again.  People see that I'm moving on.  All of this makes people say things like, "I'm glad it's over." and "I'm so glad that's behind you."

Let me tell you one thing:  It is NOT behind me.  I fight every day.  I fight every minute.  I put up this brave front while trying to work full time and hold my family together.

Say what you want, but this is NOT over.  It won't be over until I can live one full day without cancer smacking me in the face.  I don't see that happening anytime soon.


Anonymous said...

You are In my prayers.

nerves05 said...

I can imagine you are tired.. Bless your heart.
I will keep you in my prayers as always..

Lindie said...

First let me say, I don't have cancer. I never have. But I am fighting my own battle. And I understand when you say you are tired. I didn't want to go back to work. But I like to pay my bills. I am blessed with my family and their help and you are blessed with yours.

Tammy Johnson said...

I love you and I'm sorry its not over yet.

Forty Pound Sack said...

The problem with radiation is, you don't look sick. People forget all you're dealing with. And the kind of tired you get is so deep down, it's not like a nap will fix it. A month of naps won't fix it.

I tried to corral all that into one little corner of my life and pretend the rest was business as usual. Sounds like you're doing that, too. Maybe it's time to let go of the brave front and tell people, it hurts, I'm tired, and I could use some help. Wish I had done that.

Drea said...

Not a day goes by without you being in my thoughts, Rachel. Doesn't matter where you are in your recovery; all of it is a major strain (and worse) on your body, heart and soul. When people say that you're so strong, it's because they see the bits of 'normalcy' that you try so hard to project. That, too, I imagine must be excruciatingly difficult to do some (all?) days. No surprise to me that you're tired, my friend. Know that I send love and strength and positive energy as much as I possibly can to you, always. {warm, peaceful hug}

Anonymous said...

It sounds like a very normal emotion to deserve to have those, you know. ~Mary

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