That's a "Yes" on Radiation

As I figured, I'll be receiving radiation.  Kevin and I met with the radiology oncologist this afternoon to discuss things.  He's a likable guy who is good at explaining things in an easy-to-understand way.  The most common side effects are fatigue and a diminished appetite.  I can handle fatigue, and my back side can handle a diminished appetite.

Of course, he had to tell me of some more serious possible side effects.  They have to prepare you for anything, but I sure hate hearing those things.  The percentage of a chance of those were quite small, though.  I'll consider myself warned, but try not to think about them.
 
He actually had me go across the hall while we were there for a CT scan and tattoos.  The tattoos are slightly larger than the period at the end of this sentence, and there are two of them.  He'll now look over the scan, come up with a plan for me, and then the technician will call me to schedule it.

I've heard horror stories of people having to pay a co-pay with each daily visit (x38 visits...you do the math,) but that will not be the case with Saint Luke's.  That was nice to hear.  I will have to go to the plaza location for treatment, but that's not as big of a deal as those who live near me may think.  That location is less than 7 miles from work, so I'll just do morning appointments and then go straight to work.

If I understand what my medical oncologist told me at my last visit, I'll have a month between the end of chemo and the time that radiation starts.  That equals three glorious weeks of feeling normal.  I'm really looking forward to some happy weekends.  I miss going to mom and dad's to just sit and shoot the breeze.  I miss getting outside and enjoying this perfect weather.  I miss going to school functions.   Yeah.  I'm looking forward to a bit of normal, even if it's just a few weeks.

Today was excruciating, much like the weekend was, so I've taken some pain meds and plan to go to sleep early.  If history holds true, I'll feel a bit better tomorrow, and the pain will be mostly gone by Wednesday, needing only an occasional Tylenol or Advil.  After that, look out, world!  I'm already conniving to get Kevin to take me to meet up with some friends after work on Friday for a drink.  I am so excited to even be thinking about that!

Now, I have some nurses to email with questions.  *sigh*  I can't wait until cancer and treatment are not the only things I think of.  LOL  Oh, and staying awake until dark.  That'd be a nice change of pace, too.  :)

Damn

The doctor was wrong.  I kinda figured this would be the case, but I had my hopes up to be the one who was wrong.  How often can you say that?  "Boy oh boy do I hope I'm wrong!"  The pain seemed to settle in a bit later, so by noon yesterday, I still had hope.  When I got home, though, I could tell it was getting worse and the football game was likely out of the question.

I took a pain pill and a nap, but when I woke up, it was even worse.  One more football game missed.  This morning, it's the worst it's ever been.  This time is different, though.  This time, I can chant "One more time.  One more time.  One more time."  I'm almost done.  This is the last time I have to feel this way.  By Tuesday or Wednesday, the pain will subside and then I get a month off.  A month of NO treatment of ANY kind.

After that month, radiation will likely start, but that'll be a cake-walk compared to this stupid Taxol.  It may make me tired.  Tired is something I can handle.  That's why they make coffee, I think.  Anyway, I'll know more about that plan on Monday.  Kevin will pick me up and we'll go for a consult with the radiology oncologist.  Then we'll know the plan.

For now, I'll sit right here.  I hurt, but I know it's going to end soon.  Somehow, that makes it better.  I've showered and moved to the recliner, so I am among the living.  This is likely the most activity I'll see today, though.  One more time.

Tired. You?

I don't want to sound ungrateful, hateful, or snippy for even a minute of this post, so if it comes across that way, I apologize in advance.  Several people a day ask me how I'm feeling.  The answer is always, "Tired."  The bone pain is gone and I haven't taken a pain pill since Monday.  I just can't bounce back from the fatigue this time.

I'm considering lying.  I could plaster on a fake smile and say, "I'm great!"  Nobody is making me feel like I need to do this, but I'm sick to death of hearing myself say I'm tired.  Almost as sick of saying I'm tired as I am of BEING tired.   Almost.

I am asleep, or at least horizontal, most every moment that I'm not at work.  That's why I'm not on Facebook much.  That's why I'm not blogging much.  I don't hurt right now and I'm not having any major issues.  I'm just tired, and I'm tired of being tired, and I'm tired of bitching about being tired of being tired.

How are you?

Saturday Morning

I think I'm happy that my chemo schedule has my most painful two days landing on the weekend.  Sure, nobody would plan to spend their days off in a chair hurting, but at least it's not cutting into my paycheck!  I started the day with my pain meds, Claritin (which is supposed to help with the bone pain but doesn't seem to) and Prevacid.  Let's get this party goin'.

Kevin is working a half-day today.  Thank goodness for his OT right now.  Yesterday, it was $400 shelled out to fix the air conditioner.  Who knows what it will be tomorrow, but I'm thankful we were able to get it fixed.  As is typical, though, we got it fixed yesterday and do not need it today.  I have the windows open and need a lap blanket.  LOL  It'll be there next week when we're back in the high 80s, though.

Yesterday was the first high school football game here in our little town.  The girls are both playing in marching band, and I was hoping to make at least the first half, but couldn't do it.  The game hadn't been going very long when one of our players was seriously hurt (ankle, I believe) as reported by Monica via text message.  It makes me sick to my stomach and my family is praying for a speedy recovery for him.

I was asleep by the time the girls came home at half-time, and our Tigers were winning 42-0.  LOL  I haven't heard the final score, but sheesh.  Our offense must have been getting tired.  The next couple of games are away, I believe, so maybe I'll feel better in time for the next home game.  If so, I'll go grab Mom and take her with me.  Unless we can lure dad there with false promises of tractors.

I'm out of nonsense to bore you with, now.  Carry on with your weekend.  If you need me, I won't be hard to find.  Check the recliner.

A Sense of Dread

Tomorrow is my blood work and Dr. appointment day.  Wednesday is my chemo day.  I noticed today that I am experiencing a sense of dread about this treatment.  That is new.  It's nagging at the back of my mind, and causing an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Nothing about this cancer trip has been fun.  Nothing has caused joy and celebration.  Still, each treatment has been a step toward completion.  It has just been something that I do...a part of my schedule...no big deal.  Every other Wednesday, I go for chemo.

After the last time (my first Taxol treatment) causing such intense pain, though, I don't wanna go.  It could be completely different and not be so bad this time.  I realize this.  The first two A/C treatments were as expected, the third was a cake walk, and the fourth put me in the hospital.  That means that the first Taxol putting me down for 4 days does NOT mean the second one will.

It's such a short time.  The chemo portion of my treatment will all be over in 4-6 weeks.  I can do anything for 4-6 weeks.  I just don't like the feeling that it's leaving in my stomach.  I bet I'll feel a lot better when Wednesday comes and goes.  Once it's done, it's done.

You can't dread something that's over, right?  (:

I'm Still Here

I've gotten ribbed a bit for letting so much time pass between blog posts.  In the past, that was reason for a sigh of relief.  Now, it leaves distant friends and relatives wondering if I'm OK.  I'm OK.  I'm here.  I don't want to do multiple "downer" posts in a row, so I just left the blog dormant this week.

Honestly, I started feeling better on Wednesday.   I called it "narcotic-free Wednesday" because it was the first day in five that I hadn't needed pain pills.  The debilitating pain was gone by then, but I was still so flipping exhausted.  When Kevin got home at 4:30 on Wednesday, I was already asleep.  I slept until 3.  On Thursday and Friday, I fought the urge to lie down by avoiding the bedroom.  LOL

Today, I feel all right.  I woke early and paid bills.  If you can do THAT and not become depressed, you're doing all right.  Not only are we having record-high electric bills, cancer treatment doesn't come cheap.  We've met our max out of pocket, but there are still payments being made from arrangements before we hit that max.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but to think this is going to start over at the first of the year is sort of depressing.  Let's not think about that.

I've missed enough work lately that my paycheck was the smallest it's been since I returned to work.  It was 2/3 the usual amount, actually.  Thanks to Kevin's pay increases (yes, plural!) over the last couple of weeks, we still had enough to pay all of our bills that are due.  That made me so happy.  When I sat down with the bills and my computer and checkbook, I figured I'd have to juggle.  Nope!

Back to me, I'm going to milk this weekend for all it's worth.  I have chemo again on Wednesday, and if it follows the same timing, the bone pain will settle in on Friday.  I'll enjoy not hurting until then, and try to stay awake until the sun goes down at night.

But no promises on that last part.  :)

Brief Update (Complaint Warning)

When I finished the A/C portion of my chemo and started Taxol, I was under the impression that it would be easier.  I got my first infusion on Thursday, and felt pretty darned good.  Friday, I went to work, still feeling good and thought I had it made.

After work, I had to stop for my Neulasta shot (it brings up my white count and is always 24 hours after chemo) and noticed, by the time I got there, that I was VERY tired.  Oh well.  I felt enough better that I may have overdone things a bit, and the weekend was here for me to recover.
 
Saturday, I was shocked at how badly my bone hurt.  Traditionally, Neulasta causes bone pain, but it's been very predictable for me.  I get the shot on day 2, and have pretty rough bone pain for 1 or 1 1/2 days around day 6.  This was much worse, and much sooner, so I did some research and realized that Taxol causes bone and joint pain, too.  Great.

Sunday was even worse, and by the afternoon, a fever had joined the party.  WooFreakinHoo.  Kevin called the on-call doctor (why do I never get sick during office hours?) and she told him to give me Tylenol and see if that brings it down.  It was too early for me to be nutropenic (super-low whites, which hospitalized me last time) from the chemo, so she was willing to give it time to work itself out.

The Tylenol slowly brought down the fever, which had reached 101.8 at it's highest.  With the fever down, we avoided a trip to the ER and I was told to go get blood drawn this morning.  I woke feeling like I'd been drug behind a horse through the desert like in an old western, but showered and managed to get to the car.  It was one of the few times ever that I was sorry to drive a standard transmission.  My legs were screaming.

My blood counts were OK, but they drew a couple more vials to do some cultures on.  I was then told to go home and rest.  I did, which I will regret greatly on payday, but the four hour nap sided with the fact that I needed it.

The chemocare page on Taxol says that the pain duration should be "a few days."  I am truly hoping that means I'll be able to tell a marked difference in the morning.  I have pain pills, but I'd rather not take them at work unless I have to.  I'd also like to be able to walk without wincing (and sometimes crying.)  Mom made dinner for my family tonight, or it would have been ramen for sure.

Here's to a better tomorrow.

Halfway There, and Weird Thoughts

I'm sitting in "the chair," getting chemo treatment 4 of 8.  I'll be halfway done with this part of the journey in about 2 hours.  The drug that I start in 2 weeks is supposed to be much easier.  I'll take easier.  Although, once she got my headaches and sleeplessness under control, I can't say I have all that much to complain about on THIS set of drugs.

I also went to the plastic surgeon today for a tissue expander fill.  He only did 60 cc again because it's been a month and it would have hurt me too much to do more than that.  It hurts pretty dang bad, anyway.  This may be a day that I leave the infusion center, go home, pop a Valium and a pain pill and go to sleep.  Anyway, he says that if I go more often, it shouldn't hurt as bad, so we're only waiting two weeks this time.

I said this on Facebook, but I'm really laughing at myself about this.  Any time I go to ANY doctor, the nurse takes me back, takes my vitals, and says, "change into this gown, the doctor will be with you shortly."  I KNOW that I'm going to sit in that cold room for at least 20 minutes, yet I scramble to change as quickly as I possibly can.  Why?  What's the hurry?  I'm just going to sit there, feeling vulnerable, legs dangling from that paper covered table/bench/bed thing for what feels like DAYS.

I think I'm worried he'll walk in and see something.  See what?  You know, the same thing he's going to make me show him anyway!  What's the point of the speedy-change freak out?  I've been going to doctor appointments by myself for 25 years.  I have NEVER been walked in on, or even ALMOST been walked in on while changing.  How many more years will it take for me to slow down and take my time?

I wonder if they have a set amount of time that they wait, in case someone is a slow changer?  Does the nurse make a note of the time she walked out, so the doctor can wait the appropriate amount of time before coming in?  How long could even the slowest mover take to remove her shirt, remove her bra, put on a gown, and climb up on a paper covered table/bench/bed thing?  Two minutes?  Hmmm.  The things I ponder from the chemo chair.