Phew! The Mammogram Edition

Today was round one of my appointments that mark one year since my diagnosis of invasive ductal carcinoma.  I had spent the weekend in Texas, enjoying sunshine and time with friends, so I came back relaxed and happy.  I thought I'd be fine today and just go to my appointments and then come home.  But it wasn't that easy.

I woke up late, since I didn't have to work today.  (I took a vacation day to get through the appointments.)  The closer it got to time to leave, the more worried I became.  I know a lot of people who are approaching the one year mark, and they are finding abnormalities.  I know two who now have metastatic breast cancer.  I know that I'm at greater risk than many people.  I started tearing up and wringing my hands.  (because we all know how much good that does.)

Kevin sent a text and offered to go with me.   You betcha!  He was there a year ago for all of the first appointments.  He acts as a memory and another set of ears for me.  He gets to be the calm one.  He gets to ask questions that I may forget.

Our first stop was at the rehab office for my physical therapy.  I suspected that she'd release me and I was right.  She told me to continue my at-home exercises right up until surgery, and then resume them as soon as the plastic surgeon approves.  My range of motion measurements were great and she was thrilled with my progress.  I'm to ask to see her again ONLY if I have problems.

From there, we went to the diagnostic center for the mammogram.  I was starting to really stress.  I tried to breathe through it and calm down.  Kevin and I played games on the iPad and made nonsense conversation to pass the time.  I had the mammogram (on the remaining side only) and then waited to get results.  I could see some weird areas on the screen as I went by, and my panic increased.

Finally, a doctor that I'd never met knocked on the door and came in.  "Here we go," I thought.  "This is where it all started.  She's going to tell me I have cancer."  She smiled, shook my  hand, and said, "I've looked over the images and everything looks great."  I instantly teared up.  I was more relieved than I've ever been in my life.  All that was left was to see the breast surgeon.

His nurse practitioner came in first and asked some questions and examined me.  Then Dr. Shook came in and examined me again.  He's very pleased with the way the tissue expander side has healed.  (I don't like to call it the "cancer side.")  He asked some questions about the plastic surgeon's plan.  We talked for a bit and then he told me that he didn't need to see me for a year.  What?  No doctor has told me that for a long time!

My emotions are raw and I still have many appointments coming up over the next few months.  I made it through a diagnostic test without finding cancer.  It can be done.  Breathe in, breathe out.  I'll go to work tomorrow and keep moving forward.  Each day is a bright new day.  It should get easier from here.  PHEW!

Livin' Life

I spend most of my time working and living day-to-day life.  Just like everyone else does.  I think about cancer and my mortality 5 or 6 times a day, instead of nonstop.  It's getting better.  I made a commitment to live life to it's fullest and stop putting things off.  So far, I feel like I'm doing that as much as possible.  I have to work for a living, so it's not a 24/7 party, but I'm making an effort to enjoy things daily.

Tonight I watched my "little" girl walk across the gym as the freshman candidate for courtwarming queen.

I put "little" in quotes because she is at LEAST an inch taller than me, and only 15 years old.  *sigh*

The courtwarming festivities are between the girl's and boy's games, and the girl's game started at 5:30.  I get off work at 5 and work an hour from here, so I knew I wouldn't see the whole first game, but I figured we'd go as soon as I got home.  Natalie took her clothes, makeup, brush, and other accessories to school, and Monica agreed to help her get ready.

I got home around 6 and Kevin and I headed the four blocks to the school.  We had to park out back, because the cars were spilling out of the lot into the street.  We paid admission and walked toward the gym. Uh oh.  The doorways were filled with people who couldn't find a seat.  Crap.  I was afraid I'd miss seeing Natalie walk.

We finally agreed that we'd sit on the visitor's side, if necessary, even though the candidates would be facing the other way.  And that's what we wound up doing.  Visitor's side or not, we were surrounded by Tiger's fans.  The place was packed.

I got to see Monica playing in jazz band during halftime, and then watched the second half of the girl's game. It was a major blowout.  We kicked their butts.   I almost felt sorry for the opposing team.  Almost.  The jazz band sounded awesome, and I reminded myself that I know most of those kids up there.  I love living in a small town.

Finally, they announced the candidates, two by two.  It was so cool to see Natalie walk with the others.  A senior won queen and a senior won king.  Nobody was hugely surprised or disappointed.  Natalie stepped out of her comfort zone and it went great.

I love my kids.  All four of them.  I'm so happy to be where I am in life.  Life is good.

It's a Date!

I have a date for surgery!  May 23.  I have a surgery date on May 23.  I am ready for it to happen, and I'm glad to have a date.  I'm freaking out a bit, but not for any particular reason.  There have been many studies about PTSD after cancer.  I don't claim that label, but I sure know where they are coming from.  90% of the time, I am fine.  10% of the time, I'm a basket case.

Anyway, I have surgery in Shawnee Mission, Kansas on May 23, and will be back to work the following week.  Let's go.  I'm tired of waiting.  I keep chanting "May 23" because I'm happy to have a date.  Between now and then, I have many appointments.  There is one day in March that I have so many appointments that I had to take a vacation day!

Until May 23, I will just keep on keepin' on.  Wake up, walk the treadmill, shower, go to work, come home, watch TV, go to bed...rinse, repeat.  Just a few more months.

May 23.

Weekly Update

I suppose that is a fitting title, since it's been a week since I last posted.  It seems weird to say, but life is pretty much going on as normal.  I never thought I'd be so happy for a normal, boring, routine life.  I made it through a five-day week after 2 three-day weeks.  It seemed long, but we made it.

I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon on Wednesday morning.  It's the 2-month post radiation visit. He'll evaluate how hard it was on me.  I have some questions for him, too.  I think I'm going to have to see a physical therapist for my left arm, but I want his opinion before deciding.  I'm also hoping that he'll schedule surgery.  It'll be 4 months down the road, but I want a date to look forward to.

We're having our roof replaced, and they got partly done before a cold front and snow came through.  There is a tarp on my roof.  Anyone who has ever seen my crazy neighbor's house knows how I feel about that.  They're to be back to work tomorrow, though.  It should be done this week.  Here's hoping.

I caught some cold bug that was sticking around too long, and my oncologist thought I should see our family doctor.  I did, and he prescribed a Z pack for me to prevent it from turning into anything ugly.  I have been told that I'll have to be super careful about illness from now on.  I was NOT raised to go to a doctor for a cold, so I felt silly being there, but our family doctor agreed that I should be there.  I'm almost over whatever it was, finally.  Just a bit of a tickle left in my throat.

It's 8:00, and my body has decided that I should turn in.  I'm trying to listen to my body when it comes to how much sleep I need.  I push it a bit later on most Tuesdays to watch Parenthood, but sometimes I can't make it.  Thank goodness for DVR.  I hope my sleep patterns get back to a pre-chemo state, but it doesn't seem like it's moving that direction.  I know other ladies (who went through this journey at the same time as me) who cannot sleep more than a few hours at a time, though.  I am smart enough to be thankful for the sleep I get, no matter when I get it.

Goodnight!

Good Times and Doctors

We had an absolutely amazing time with the kids and grandkids over the weekend.  It was everything we had hoped for.  The little cousins all played so well together, enjoyed the pool at the hotel, and LOVED the gifts we got them.  I was worried about it, because they were $100 each (three little girls,) but all of them are having a blast with them.  It's called a LeapPad II and it was well worth the money.

After having nearly a month with no doctor appointments (the longest stretch since surgery in April,) I have a follow-up with my radiologist on Friday.  I'm not looking forward to it, but it will be a quick appointment and should probably be my last with him.  I think.  I hope.  heh heh  We'll see.

Two weeks from today, I go see my plastic surgeon.  THAT is an appointment that I am looking forward to.  I absolutely love that doctor (and his nurse,) and it will be the appointment where they tell me when my exchange surgery will be.  I'm thinking late May.  I'm ready!

That's all I've got today.  I'm feeling good and I'm content.  Today, I am happy.

Time With My Kids

This weekend is an exciting one for me.  Tomorrow morning, we'll get up early, load into the car, and head 30 minutes away to my son Brett's house.  He'll load his family into their car and we'll hit the road for the three-hour trip to Carthage.  Kevin's family and our other son Jonathan all live down there.

We've rented three rooms at the Econo Lodge.  Jon, Kristen, and their two kids will stay in one, Brett, Melissa and their three will stay in one, and Kevin and I will occupy the other with our girls.  All of our grandkids will be in one place for the fist time ever.

The last time all four of our kids were in the same room, Kristen was pregnant with Zoe, and Melissa had just had Daniel.  I'm more excited than you can imagine!  We'll gather with extended family at Bamboo Garden (Kevin's all-time favorite Chinese buffet) tomorrow afternoon.  There are babies down there that need loved on by me, too.  Babies everywhere!

I have to make sure the battery pack is charged for my camera.  That and making sure we pack the Christmas presents are the only two things I'm concerning myself with.  The rest will work itself out.  I am smiling SO big right now.

Getting On With My Life

Wow.  I haven't posted for a long time.  You're welcome.  Busy season at work and changing back to my regular hours has found me pretty dang tired by the time I get home.  Too tired to type?  OK, that sounds pretty lame, but I honestly get home and do next to nothing.

Last weekend, I decided I wanted to go to St. Louis to see my aunt Charlene and her husband Pat.  The last time we were there, we said we'd do it more often because it didn't take long to get there.  That was 2 years ago.  I told Kevin that I wasn't going to do that anymore.  A year of facing  your own mortality will make a person stop planning and start doing.  It was a fun trip, although far too short.  We're already talking about what we'll do the next time we go.

I found the suspicious lump in January and had a biopsy in February.  I was diagnosed in March and had surgery in April.  I got back to work in June.  I finished chemo on September 19th and finished radiation on November 14th.  I have follow up appointments happening now, but that's about it until the exchange surgery, which will be late May or early June.  I should be super excited that I'm completing treatment, and I am happy, but I'm constantly unsettled.

I think that treatment kept me occupied.  I was doing something.  I was actively fighting cancer.  Somehow it isn't as easy as it should be to accept, "OK.  You're all better.  Go on with your regularly scheduled life now."  Your brain doesn't work like that.  I want to ask, "So that's it?" but then again, I don't want to ask that at all.

My hair is finally growing back.  It's not as long as a crew cut yet, but it's moved from "fuzz" to "hair."  LOL  The gray is a lot easier to see right now, but that's what hair color is for.  I'm just looking forward to the day that I have to "fix my hair" to go somewhere.  Silly but true.

I know some people see a therapist after cancer treatment.  I've never considered myself the type to see someone like that, but I see why some do.  I'm not even saying that I won't.  I just haven't decided yet.  I'm fine most of the time, but not all the time.  I know I'll never be the same as before, but I'd like to get past the anxiety issues that sneak up on me at inopportune times.

It makes me VERY thankful for my Facebook group of friends who have gone through this with me.  We are small enough to have gotten to know each other, but big enough that someone is on pretty much 24/7.  If I can't sleep and it's 2 am and I feel the need to chat, someone is there.  Someone to listen to me whine, or laugh at my jokes, or commiserate about the state of our skin after radiation.  So far, that's all the therapy I need.

Overall, I am fine.  I have been cancer-free since surgery in April.  The chemo and radiation were both "just in case."  That is a lot of ammo to go through just because there "might be a burglar out there somewhere," but it's what was advised, so that's what I did.  And I'm fine.  2012 is a year that I'll be glad to put behind me, but I got through it.

I've Been Deported

What an eventful day!  I went to work for an hour and a half, and then headed to radiation.  This was the first of five boosts.  The boosts are going to be MUCH quicker than the regular radiation.  They just do one blast to a concentrated area, instead of 6 blasts to various parts of my skin, chest wall, etc.  Today was the lining-up day, and starting tomorrow, it will go quickly.

After that I drove around to the other side of the same hospital to get my port removed.  I was so excited!  I'm not sure why, but I think it's because it's just one more step toward being done.  I got parked, in to the office, and checked in a full 10 minutes early.  I was ready to get this show on the road!

The nurse took me in and took my vitals, and then told me to undress from the waist up and put on a gown.  I couldn't wait.  When she came back, the Dr. was following her, as was his medical student shadow.  He started talking to the student about the fact that I was in active radiation, and they usually don't get to see patients until six months after.  Then he asked if they could see the radiation site because he rarely gets to.  Umm, sure!  Why not?  They talked as they viewed my raw skin.  Come on, guys.  Let's yank this port!

Finally, they were ready.  The nurse placed a special pad on my lower abdomen.  It was to ground me so the equipment wouldn't shock me.  Very interesting.  After that, the surgeon (I really like this guy) started disinfecting and then numbing the skin.  It was time to start!  He warned me that I'd feel a bit of pressure, and I could tell that he was slicing into me.  This was getting interesting!

As he was cutting, I said, "So...are there any rules against you giving the port to me?  I mean, can I have it?" He thought for a minute and then said, "Well, you paid for it.  Sure you can have it."  I got 17 kinds of excited!  I have friends and workmates who thought I wouldn't ask, and now I'd asked.  Not only that, he said YES!

As I was reveling in the fact that I was going to leave with port in hand, I noticed smoke rising from my chest, and I could smell burned flesh.  Umm.  Weird.  "Is that normal?" I asked.  He assured me that it was.  I then lamented, "That makes me want bacon."  By now, the whole room was laughing with me.  I love it when an act comes together.

At one point during the procedure, the surgeon said, "Wow.  This one is in there deep.  I did a really good job with this."  LOL  That made me giggle.  He was admiring his work, even as he dug it out of the scar tissue that had formed around it.  Funny stuff.  If it was so deep, that might explain why it didn't bother me, and some people complain about theirs.

Finally, it was done.  He had stitched me up, leaving only a 1 1/2" scar:

I think his stitching job was amazing.  I can only see the knot at the left side of this picture.  It will soon dissolve.  He cut along the same scar that was created when he placed the port to begin with.  The nurse offered to clean up the port for me so I could take it with me.  Sweet!  She brought it back wrapped in a towel and placed in a bio-hazard bag.  Awesome!  It sat on my desk all day:

I went back to work, grinning all the way.  I had forgotten how nice it was to visit with a doctor that I like.  I like all but one, but the one bad apple is the one that I'm forced to see once a week right now.  Seeing the wonderful Dr. Shook was SO refreshing.  I couldn't wait to tell my coworkers that I had my port with me!  In fact, I called a couple of them on the way to work!

Why did I want it?  I have several reasons.  I am weird.  They said I wouldn't ask.  I am weird.  It made me feel brave to ask.  I'm weird.  I want to freak people out with it.  I'm weird.  The nurse asked if I wanted her to cut off the catheter part (that went into my vein) and I said, "NO! Why?  I paid for the whole thing!"  She laughed and left it in tact.

I think I'll make a Christmas ornament out of it.  After Christmas, I'll fashion it into something that can hang from my rear view mirror.  What an awesome conversation piece that will be!  Yup.  It was part of my body for seven months.  I'm not going to just toss it aside.  Maybe I'll make a necklace out of it.   Wanna see it?  Do you?  OK, here goes:

See?  That's not gross!  The circle in the middle of the purple part is where they stuck the needle for blood draws and for chemo. It can be pierced over and over and over.  Such a cool little invention.  

I Got a New Car!

It's been a crazy day, so I'll do a quickie post about my car, and get back to cancer chat another day this week.  Lots to talk about, with it being awareness month and me starting radiation today, but I'm tired.  Not because of any health reasons, but because I got to work at 5:45 this morning, and between radiation, work, coming home to get the girls, taking them back to Lees Summit for a follow-up doctor's appointment for Monica, and then back home.  Crazy day!

Anyway, I got a new car!

It's a metallic bronze Kia Forte'.  I love it, dearly.  It has everything.  I'm enjoying all the bells and whistles, even though I wasn't planning on getting those when we started looking.  It's our first brand new car in our 18 years together.  Did I mention that I love it?

A 100% Complaint-Free Post (I Promise!)

Good news is always welcome, but sometimes the timing is perfect.  This time, the timing was absolutely spot-on, considering what has transpired over the last couple of weeks.

Kevin was due for a raise on August 1, and got it.  (I don't think I mention often enough how much I love his job, but I love his job.)  That was great news, since my checks are suffering.  I just can't get 40 hour weeks in very often.  The news of his raise made me breath a little bit easier.  He had also bid on a different position, but we were just sitting on that, waiting to see what happened.

Well, he got the other position, and figured it would be a couple of weeks before the trickle-down training would find him in that new spot.  Nope.  He found out this week that he starts Monday!  Here are some things that make him (us) smile:

• The position means another (instant) raise, and a higher pay scale before topping out.
• It is much less physical, therefore easier on his beaten and achy body.
• The hours are 6:00-2:30.  These are Kevin's DREAM hours and made him nearly giddy.
• There is already talk of OT, which will be easier to do with the (physically) easier job, and will take some pressure off me when I'm not feeling well at work.
• In case you lost count, he has now received two raises in under two weeks.

The last few days, when something's going wrong or I feel crappy or emotionally down, I have the above list to make me feel better.  I am so thankful for a husband who works hard to keep us going.  Hell, I'm thankful for a husband willing to work, period!  And I am very thankful, every day, for Kevin's job.

Home

They released me on Friday morning, and Kevin came to get me and bring me home.  The only thing that really concerns me is that I have NO idea if my whites are still climbing.  I just have to assume that they are.  I am pretty much on lock-down for the weekend, avoiding public places and close contact.

Monday morning, I'll go back to work, still avoiding close contact until Tuesday's blood work gets drawn.  I had accrued 28 hours of vacation time toward next year, and that will cover most of the 4 days I missed while in the hospital.  I'm thankful that those were available, but a bit scared to have my safety net gone.  This simply cannot happen again.  No problem.

The worst part so far is that it seems that all of the side effects from early on are back.  I have a nearly constant headache, I can't sleep, and I'm emotional as hell.  I had a really bad headache last night, so I took what felt like enough pills to drop an elephant, and was back up at 1:30.  *sigh*  I had been sleeping fine for a couple of weeks (without pills) before this setback.

Basically, I think the quarantine has afforded me too much time to think.  When I go to work tomorrow, I'll be busy, and that will help.  My blood work is set for 3 in the afternoon on  Tuesday, but I may see if I can go early so I can wait for the results.  If my whites aren't back in the normal range of 4.0 - 11.0, I have to cancel my plastic surgeon's appointment and my chemo on Thursday will likely be postponed.

I would think, after over a week on antibiotics, my counts will be fine.  However, I would have thought they'd climb higher than .7 after 4 days on IV antibiotics.  They were .6 on Tuesday .5 on Wednesday, .43 on Thursday, and .7 on Friday.  They can't tell if that was a "trend" toward upward numbers, or just a fluctuation.  They let me come home, though, because there was nothing they were doing there that I cannot do at home.

I'm home.  I figured the "I'm home" post would be happy and fun.  Call it lack of sleep, the headache, or the whiny state I'm in, but I missed that goal by a long shot.  My feelings are hurt by the slightest little thing, I'm exhausted, but need to expend energy in order to get more sleep.  For the first time in my life, I'm in the middle of a weekend that seems to be going on too long.  Sorry, my working friends.  I know that comes as a betrayal to you all.  I promise to be crabby about Monday like the rest of you.

Happy Birthday, Dad

Let's shove that whiny post down a bit with something more upbeat, shall we?

Happy birthday to my Dad!  The superman in my life who has always been able to do anything, anywhere.  He can fix anything, with nothing.  He can teach you more than you can fathom, because he never stops learning.  He is SO much better than YOUR dad.

I'm just sayin'.

I love you, Dad.

Saturday 'N Stuff

Yesterday sucked pretty bad.  I hurt all day, and even had to break out the hard-core meds.  (I haven't taken stronger than Tylenol or Advil for over a week.)  It was depressing to feel like I was going backwards as far as healing.  I don't know why it happened or if I did something to cause it or if it was a reminder that I'm not 100%, but it sucked.

My buddy Susie sent an amazing fleece blanket to me that she tied, to take to treatments.  I got it at work yesterday.  I really needed a good surprise, so her timing was impeccable.  Made me get teary and girly at work, but I blamed the meds.  :)  On Kevin's way home, he picked up Kameron.

Talk about the fountain of youth!  Even sitting here feeling crappy was easier, just watching and chatting with her.  She's so animated and funny.  The girls took her up to the fair for a bit to scope things out for today.  We'll go up and let her play some games this morning, come home for a nap, and then get a wrist band for her to ride for a few hours tonight.  (She's already informed me which horse she'll ride on the carousel.  Now THAT is planning ahead.)

I slept in the recliner last night, and I think it helped.  I'll know for sure after a hot shower and some coffee.  That's my usual morning medication, and it's usually enough.  Here's hopin'!  I am in desperate need of a real good weekend, and I'll do everything in my power to make it so.  Who could be down and discouraged with the town fair going on???  Not me!

A Good Day

I DID have a good day today.  I overdid it in the heat, I think, but I had fun.  I felt nearly normal again...maybe even better than yesterday.  I asked my buddy Tammy if she'd like to get lunch or something, and she was game (as was her hubby Greg.)  They had some things to take care of first, and then I met them at their house, and showed Tammy and her daughter Brooke WAY more than they thought they'd see today.  (They wanted to see, so I showed them!)

Then, Tammy and I piled into Greg's truck and headed out for lunch.  We went to Texas Roadhouse and I ate like an idiot.  I was SO hungry.  I really ate too much.  I had chicken fried steak, sweet potato, salad and a beer, and it took four hours before I recovered.  So.Full.  We also had a good time laughing and I made Tammy cry (it was a good one, though) and she had Greg take us to a store I'd never heard of.

It had some cool stuff, and I'd be happy to tell you the name of it, if I remembered.  Let's just say it's that store beside the other store in that place with all the new stores.  In that one town.  West of here.  You know the place.

All in all, it was a fun day.  Driving home during the hottest part of the day with no a/c in the car is probably what did me in, but sitting in the a/c at home with a fan pointed at my recliner has me feeling good again.  I could go to sleep now, but I'm waiting a bit longer.  I have to keep a more regular schedule now that I'm back to work.

It feels SO good to feel so good.  Tiny, manageable aches and pains, but who doesn't have those?  I do find that, if I sleep in my bed at all, I wake up with my back screaming.  I spent 6 weeks sleeping in the recliner, and I have to ease back into sleeping in a real bed.  Weird huh?  Still, once I'm up and showered and moving, I feel normal.  Two days in a row!  Even better, no breakdown tonight!

Oh, and to answer some questions from comments:

• I have been researching the heck out of all the medications that are in my regimen.  I know the side effects, common and rare.  I'm ready.  *sigh*
• I have the numbing stuff to put over the port site, and plan to use it.  They accessed it once already to take blood, and it didn't hurt at all, and that was without the cream, so I don't expect problems that way.
• I will get anti-nausea meds prescribed, and maybe during treatment if necessary.  Everyone reacts differently to chemo, so until I've had that first treatment, we won't know what's necessary for me, but we'll be fully prepare for any of it.
• Yes, I know it's healthy to let myself cry.  I just am making sure that I don't slip into a funk.  I will allow myself short bursts of waah, but I will NOT let them become the norm.
• I appreciate the prayers and kind words.  They mean the world to me right now.  Thank you. 

Puttin' on My Big Girl Panties

I was going to post last night.  The appointment was fine.  No bad news anywhere.  However, I was the weepiest cry-baby I've been since this whole journey started.  I cried about everything.  I sent a message to Mom so she wouldn't wonder/worry and told her I'd post today.  I don't like to post when I'm in a foul mood, unless I feel like conveying a foul mood in the post (which I sometimes do!)

Anyway, I worked for half a day (if I haven't mentioned it lately, I work with some cool people) and headed to the plastic surgeon's office.  The plan was to get my first fill in the tissue expander.  Because of how tight things were feeling, I was sure I'd have to go from there to get fluid removed because of the buildup.  He checked me out and said it wasn't enough to concern ourselves with.  YeeHaw!

That fact made me happier than I thought it would, because of a detail his nurse filled me in on.  If I had needed that done, they wouldn't have been able to do the fill.  So that all made me VERY grateful.  They did the fill and sent me on my way.  (By the way, the fill is a GIANT syringe full of saline and the whole process took less than 2 minutes.  Easy peasy.)

If you remember, chemo had been scheduled, but they had to cancel when they found out I still had that pesky drain.  Now that it's gone, I had to reschedule, which means a visit with the oncologist's office.  That was a confusing mess that took over an hour, but it finally got scheduled.  From that point on, I became a girl.

I HATE when I am girly and whiny, and I had a FULL evening of it.  Everything that was said or done set me off.  Poor Kevin.  I think the problem is that, until this point, all appointments for procedures have been made, and then I'm informed about them.  "Go to this hospital on this date and we're going to do a mastectomy."  Oh. OK.  "Go to this office and get your tissue expander fill on this date."  Oh, OK.

Yesterday, I had to play phone tag and wrestle for a date to see the oncologist, and if she pronounces that all is healed well, I go immediately downstairs for my first chemo treatment.  This will be June 12, for those keeping score.  I was told to plan on it taking most of the day due to the doctor's appointment first, and the fact that they do your first infusion slowly to watch for any problems.

So, I had make the appointment, chemo is back on the calendar again, and this all made things more real again for some reason.  I think getting back to work made me start to feel a little bit more normal.  Once the drain was gone, I could get really busy on a project and my brain wasn't constantly thinking CANCER in every train of thought. In fact, I felt the best, physically, yesterday that I've felt since surgery!  I was cutting up with friends and having a GREAT morning.  Suddenly, last night, the big "C" was back.

So I bawled a lot.  Made my husband miserable, too (because he can't fix it.)   I woke up this morning to a beautiful day, made some coffee, and read something online that made me tear up.  At this point I'd had it with me.  Kevin is on the way to Carthage to pick Monica up and Natalie is still in bed, so I'm upstairs alone.  This afforded me the opportunity to talk to myself out loud and not be sent to the loony bin.

I lectured myself for a good 5 minutes.  "Listen, you big baby!  Everyone deserves to go on a pity party sometimes, and everyone deserves to cry.  You had that chance.  You cried all evening yesterday.  You cried about big stuff like cancer and you cried about little stuff like a favorite show being a rerun.  You cried and cried and today, you're DONE.  Put on your big girl panties, go enjoy this perfect weather, and quit your sniveling.

Call Tammy and take her out to lunch.  Take Natalie shopping for a new swimsuit like you promised a week ago.  Quit playing victim.  Quit acting like cancer has you down, when right this moment, you aren't even undergoing TREATMENT!  If you LET yourself, you can feel AWESOME today.  Now have some coffee, get dressed, get out of the house and quit feeling sorry for yourself, you big baby."

I suggest that, if you ever act like I was acting, you don't do so around me.  I can give some harsh lectures.  Right this moment, I'm going to go get dressed and follow my advice.  I'm afraid that, if I don't listen to me, I might get mad at me and do something more drastic.  :)

Here's to a happy day!

Quit With the Puppy Eyes, OK?

I understand that I have cancer, and that most people don't know what to say or do.  I didn't want to post this article, because it might make it sound like I want you to come clean my house.  I do NOT (yet) want you to come clean my house.  I do, however, appreciate many of the thoughts expressed.

I know that some people freak out and cry forever about a cancer diagnosis.  I know that everyone reacts differently and none of those reactions are wrong.  Let me clear the air.  I am dealing with this one day at a time, and laughing all the way.  You need me to help with that big order?  Sorry.  I can't.  I have cancer.  (insert big laugh here.)

I've been patient, and will continue to be so.  However, if you read this, that means you give a shit about me, so here goes:

Please, under NO circumstances, should you look at me, cock your head to the side like a sad puppy, and ask, "How ya doin', Rachel?"  How am I doing?  I have cancer.  I'm  not undergoing treatment right now, so I feel the same as I did 6 months ago.  Physically, I'm fine.  Emotionally?  I have very close friends and family to keep it pulled together.

I had a friend/coworker suggest that I develop tourettes when someone does this.  "SHIT DAMN ELBOW BUTT CANCER REFRIGERATOR ASS NO!"  I'm not sure that's the right reaction, but it made me laugh.

If you see me crying, an offer of comfort will be welcomed.  If I'm working along at my desk, let's just carry on, OK?  You won't see me crying at my desk, however, unless someone does the puppy  head-cock at me. THAT makes me cry.  The cancer doesn't.  Not yet, anyway.  I don't want it to win.  Right now, I'm making inappropriate jokes and waiting for the next Dr's appointment.

Can we move on?  I'll let you know when I need something.  I promise.

Gratitude

Let's keep this short, because I am tired and it's an amazingly busy week for me.  I have no image to show "gratitude," but the point is to post, and I'm posting.  I am very grateful for many things in my life:
Kevin
Jon
Brett
Monica
Natalie
My home
My family
Kevin's family
No car payments
A steady paycheck
A husband with a steady paycheck
Good TV
Laughs
Love
Friends
Good food
A warm bed
My dogs
Cold beer
Warm pizza

Time to stop.  But I COULD go on.